When Depression Is in Your Bed ℠ is a podcast about what happens when life gets hard and how we find our way back to connection. Hosted by Trish Sanders, Licensed Clinical Social Worker, Certified Advanced Imago Relationship Therapist and Relationship Coach, each episode explores the complex relationship between our nervous systems, our relationships, and our emotional well-being. Through a blend of personal stories, professional insights, and practical tools, Trish tackles topics such as depression, communication, perfectionism, neurodivergence, self-trust, conflict, repair, empathy, boundaries, attachment, nervous system regulation, and relational healing. With honesty, warmth, and a deep belief in people's capacity to grow, Trish helps listeners understand not only why they get stuck, but how meaningful change becomes possible. Whether you're struggling with depression, feeling disconnected from yourself or your partner, or simply trying to navigate life with more awareness and compassion, this podcast offers a roadmap back to connection, again and again.
#80 When Trying Harder Isn't Working: How Your Best Becomes Better
Have you ever felt like you're doing everything you can... and it still doesn't feel like enough? Maybe you've tried harder. Worked harder. Pushed yourself harder. And yet somehow, the things you most want to change still feel just out of reach. In this deeply personal episode, Trish explores one of the most hopeful shifts she's experienced through understanding the nervous system. For years, she believed she was doing her best, and she still believes that today. What changed wasn't whether she was trying hard enough. What changed was her understanding that her best isn't fixed and getting better is not totally out of her control. As her nervous system experienced greater safety and her capacity gradually expanded, more of who she already was became genuinely available. Over time, the things that once felt exhausting, inconsistent, or even impossible began feeling more natural. Not because she forced herself to become a different person, but because she learned how to intentionally create the conditions that helped her capacity grow. This episode isn't about trying harder. It's about understanding what makes more possible. Through personal stories, practical neuroscience, and the lens of The Road to Reconnection™ , Trish explores how narrowed capacity can leave us feeling stuck in self-criticism, overwhelm, and discouragement, and why understanding our nervous system creates a very different path toward lasting growth. Because lasting change doesn't begin by demanding more from ourselves. It begins by creating the conditions where more of ourselves becomes genuinely available. In this episode, you'll learn: Why "I'm doing my best" and "my best can become better" can both be true at the same time. How narrowed capacity shapes our mental health, relationships, habits, and everyday functioning. Why self-criticism and "just try harder" often create even more nervous system protection instead of meaningful change. The difference between capacity fluctuating from day to day and capacity expanding over time. How intentionally influencing the conditions that support greater safety and nervous system regulation can help your best become better. Why expanded capacity isn't about becoming a different person, but about allowing more of who you already are to become genuinely available. How self-compassion for whatever your best is today helps support expanded capacity for tomorrow How grounded hope grows from recognizing the evidence of your own expanding capacity, one experience at a time. Growth isn't about becoming someone you're not. It's about creating the conditions where more of who you already are can emerge. One moment of understanding. One moment of compassion. One cue of safety. One expanded capacity at a time. Because your best isn't the end of the story. It can continue becoming better. And I think there is something incredibly hopeful about that. If you and your partner are ready to co-create the roadmap to the relationship of your dreams, join us for the next in-person "Getting the Love You Want" Weekend Couples Retreat! For support in how to have deeper connections and better communication in the relationships that matter most in your life, follow the host, Trish Sanders on Instagram , Bluesky or LinkedIn .
#79 When Caring Feels Like Criticism: How Fear Changes the Conversation
Have you ever tried to help someone you love, only to have your care experienced as criticism? It can be one of the most frustrating and confusing experiences in a relationship. We know our intentions are good. We know we're coming from a place of love. And yet somehow, the conversation leaves both people feeling hurt, misunderstood, or disconnected. In this deeply personal episode, Trish shares a recent experience with her husband, Ben, that led to a powerful realization. As she reflects on a familiar pattern in their relationship, she explores how genuine care can gradually become infused with fear, changing not only the way our words are delivered, but also the way they're received. This episode isn't about learning better communication techniques. It's about understanding the nervous system beneath our communication. Through storytelling, practical neuroscience, and the lens of The Road to Reconnection™ , Trish explores why fear often speaks the language of urgency while care speaks the language of invitation. She shares how slowing down, recognizing the deeper fears driving her own nervous system, and receiving enough cues of safety transformed a difficult conversation into one of deeper connection. Because sometimes the greatest shift doesn't happen when we find better words. It happens when enough safety becomes available for the love underneath our words to finally be received. In this episode, you'll learn: Why caring can sometimes feel like criticism, even when our intentions come from love. How fear changes not only what we say, but how our nervous system delivers our words. Why people don't just hear our intentions. They experience the nervous system communicating them. How urgency can be a sign that fear, not just care, has become active. Why vulnerability can become one of the most powerful cues of safety in a relationship. How creating greater safety changes what becomes available for both people in a conversation. Why meaningful connection isn't always about communicating better, but about creating the conditions where love can truly be received. Healing doesn't always begin with better advice. Sometimes it begins with greater understanding. Greater safety. And the courage to let someone see what's happening beneath our words. Because when fear no longer has to carry the conversation... Our care becomes available again. And I think there is something incredibly hopeful about that. If you and your partner are ready to co-create the roadmap to the relationship of your dreams, join us for the next in-person "Getting the Love You Want" Weekend Couples Retreat! For support in how to have deeper connections and better communication in the relationships that matter most in your life, follow the host, Trish Sanders on Instagram , Bluesky or LinkedIn .
#78 The Road to Growth: How Relationships Change Our Expectations
What if the people we love aren't just shaping our memories? What if they're shaping what we come to expect? Whether we realize it or not, every relationship is shaping what becomes familiar. And what becomes familiar gradually becomes what we expect. In this episode, Trish shares a deeply personal story about an ordinary summer afternoon with her fourteen-year-old son that led to an extraordinary realization. As she reflects on years of parenting with ADHD, she explores how our capacity doesn't just shape what we do. It shapes how available we are to the people we love. Over time, that availability becomes part of what their nervous systems learn to expect. But this episode isn't about guilt or getting parenting "right." It's about hope. Because the same relationships that help shape our expectations can also help revise them. Through storytelling, practical neuroscience, and the lens of The Road to Reconnection™ , Trish explores how familiar patterns are formed, why they make perfect sense, and how repeated experiences of safety, follow-through, and repair gradually create new expectations for ourselves and the people we love. Healing doesn't happen because we convince ourselves to think differently. It happens because relationships create new experiences that slowly become the new familiar. In this episode, you'll learn: Why what becomes familiar gradually becomes what we expect. How our capacity shapes our availability, and why availability matters more than we often realize. How repeated relational experiences shape our nervous system's expectations about ourselves and the people we love. Why children and adults alike develop predictions about what feels safe, possible, and available. How curiosity can interrupt familiar relationship patterns and create space for something new. Why we can't argue ourselves or others out of old predictions, but we can create experiences that make new predictions possible. How one conversation, one repair, and one moment of follow-through can begin repaving the road toward greater trust, connection, and hope. Growth rarely happens all at once. It happens one conversation. One repair. One new experience. One new piece of pavement at a time. Because the relationships that shaped our expectations also have the power to help us rewrite them. If you and your partner are ready to co-create the roadmap to the relationship of your dreams, join us for the next in-person "Getting the Love You Want" Weekend Couples Retreat! For support in how to have deeper connections and better communication in the relationships that matter most in your life, follow the host, Trish Sanders on Instagram , Bluesky or LinkedIn .
#77 Prediction as Protection: When Disappointment Clouds the Bright Spots
What if your brain isn't expecting the worst because you're pessimistic? What if it's trying to protect you? Have you ever noticed how easy it is to say, "Of course..." when something frustrating happens, but "Can you believe it?" when something wonderful does? In this episode, Trish explores a powerful concept in neuroscience that she has come to think of as Prediction as Protection . Our brains are constantly using past experiences to predict what might happen next. Those predictions are designed to keep us safe, but they also influence what we notice, how we interpret the people we love, and even what we believe is possible for ourselves. When our brains learn to expect disappointment, the bright spots don't disappear. They simply become harder to notice. Moments of kindness, connection, growth, and hope don't disappear, but they can become much harder to see when our brains have learned to keep scanning the horizon for storms. Through personal stories, reflections on her relationship with Ben, and practical neuroscience, Trish explores how these protective predictions shape our relationships, our healing, and our everyday lives. More importantly, she shares why those predictions are not permanent. As we intentionally notice new evidence, our brains can begin updating what they expect. Little by little, we can repave the familiar roads we've traveled for years and create space for greater safety, connection, hope, and possibility. In this episode, you'll learn: Why our brains naturally develop protective predictions. How past experiences shape what we notice in everyday life. Why disappointment often feels expected while joyful moments feel surprising. How Prediction as Protection influences our relationships and the way we see the people we love. Why compassion begins with understanding what our brains are trying to do. How noticing new experiences helps our brains revise old predictions. Why healing isn't about ignoring life's storms, but learning to recognize that the bright spots have been there all along. Sometimes the most important changes don't come from changing the world around us. Sometimes they begin by gently changing what our brains have learned to expect. If you and your partner are ready to co-create the roadmap to the relationship of your dreams, join us for the next in-person "Getting the Love You Want" Weekend Couples Retreat! For support in how to have deeper connections and better communication in the relationships that matter most in your life, follow the host, Trish Sanders on Instagram , Bluesky or LinkedIn .
#76 Connecting Through Struggle: Why It Felt Safe and Kept Me Stuck
What if one of the primary ways you've learned to connect with other people has also been quietly keeping you stuck? In this episode, I explore a realization that completely changed the way I think about empathy, healing, relationships, and nervous system growth. For much of my life, it felt easier to share when I was overwhelmed than when I felt proud. Talking about stress, chaos, and feeling behind helped me feel understood, validated, and less alone. It met a very real need for connection. But as I reflected on that experience, I realized something I had never seen before. I had learned to connect through struggle. Not because there was anything wrong with me. Not because venting is unhealthy. But because, at that point in my life, it was one of the safest ways my nervous system knew how to experience connection and belonging. Healing didn't teach me to stop talking about my struggles. It taught me that struggle didn't have to be my only doorway to connection. In this episode, we explore: • What it means to connect through struggle and why it can feel so familiar • Why empathy can unintentionally reinforce struggle when it stops before growth • How nervous system capacity influences our ability to move beyond survival • Why connecting through struggle is not a failure, but often the best our nervous system knows how to do • How belonging, identity, and nervous system safety shape the way we connect with others • Why growth can sometimes feel lonely, even when it's exactly what we want • The difference between connecting through shared struggle and connecting through curiosity, hope, and growth • How expanded empathy helps us move from feeling understood to feeling safe enough to change • Why healing doesn't eliminate our need for connection, but transforms the way we seek it You don't have to stop talking about your struggles. But you also don't have to stay there. Because healing isn't about leaving your story behind. It's about discovering that your story can become the beginning of something new, rather than the place where it has to end. If you and your partner are ready to co-create the roadmap to the relationship of your dreams, join us for the next in-person "Getting the Love You Want" Weekend Couples Retreat! For support in how to have deeper connections and better communication in the relationships that matter most in your life, follow the host, Trish Sanders on Instagram , Bluesky or LinkedIn .
#75 Staying the Course: When Disappointment Doesn't Have to Become Dysregulation
What if healing doesn't mean you stop feeling disappointed, but that disappointment no longer has the power to pull you into the same old stories? In this episode, I share a very ordinary moment with my husband, Ben, that became an unexpected reminder of just how much nervous system healing, self-trust, and relational growth can quietly change the way we experience everyday life. After several months of making exciting progress on a new coaching program, a busy season of celebrating my children's end of the school year stirred up an old fear that I had fallen off track again. Later that same day, a small moment of disappointment with Ben could have easily reinforced another familiar story about not mattering or not having enough space for my needs. Instead, something different happened. Not because I didn't feel disappointed. But because I was able to stay connected to myself while I felt it. This episode is a real-life example of nervous system flexibility, blended states, and what it can look like when old protective patterns begin to loosen their grip. Because healing isn't about eliminating difficult emotions. It's about learning to move through them without losing yourself. In this episode, we explore: • How old ADHD patterns can make everyday interruptions feel like failure • The difference between intentionally changing course and actually falling off track • Why disappointment does not have to become dysregulation • What nervous system flexibility can look like in an ordinary moment • How blended states allow us to feel excitement, vulnerability, and disappointment without becoming overwhelmed • Why "not now" is not the same as rejection • The difference between someone's capacity and your worth • How trusting yourself changes the stories you tell about difficult moments • Why everyday moments often become the clearest evidence that healing is happening Healing doesn't always look dramatic. Sometimes it looks like noticing an old story without believing it. Sometimes it looks like trusting that your needs still matter, even if they can't be met right this moment. And sometimes it looks like realizing that you're not off track at all. You're simply staying the course. If you and your partner are ready to co-create the roadmap to the relationship of your dreams, join us for the next in-person "Getting the Love You Want" Weekend Couples Retreat! For support in how to have deeper connections and better communication in the relationships that matter most in your life, follow the host, Trish Sanders on Instagram , Bluesky or LinkedIn .
#74 Finding My People: The Connection Paradox and the Search for Belonging
What if the thing you've been searching for all along, connection, community, and a sense of belonging, is also the thing you've been protecting yourself from? In this episode, I explore what I call The Connection Paradox : the tension between our deep human need for connection and the fear that can arise when we risk truly being seen, known, and accepted by others. Drawing from my own experiences of feeling like I was on the outskirts, longing for deeper community, and wondering why belonging seemed to come so naturally to other people, I share how I came to realize that part of what stood between me and the connection I was seeking wasn't just what was happening around me, it was what was happening inside me. Because sometimes the greatest barrier to belonging isn't rejection. It's the ways we protect ourselves from the possibility of not belonging. In this episode, I explore how depression, neurodivergence, self-othering, and old relational wounds can shape our experiences of community and connection, plus how healing can gradually make us more available for the very relationships we've been longing for. In this episode, we explore: • What The Connection Paradox is and why it affects so many people • The difference between being around others and true belonging • How self-othering can quietly interfere with connection • Why many neurodivergent people struggle with feeling different or out of place • The role fear and self-protection play in our search for community • How attachment wounds and past experiences can shape our sense of belonging • Why finding your people often begins with finding yourself • How self-acceptance can make connection feel more available • The surprising relationship between healing and community • Why creating connection sometimes requires moving toward what scares us We long for belonging. And at the same time, we often protect ourselves from the possibility of not belonging. But maybe belonging isn't something we simply stumble upon. Maybe it's something we gradually become more available for. And maybe that's how we find our people. And maybe that's how our people find us. If you and your partner are ready to co-create the roadmap to the relationship of your dreams, join us for the next in-person "Getting the Love You Want" Weekend Couples Retreat! For support in how to have deeper connections and better communication in the relationships that matter most in your life, follow the host, Trish Sanders on Instagram , Bluesky or LinkedIn .
#73 When Your Person Doesn't Feel Like Your Person: The Longing Beneath the Hurt
Why can a seemingly small moment with the person you love hurt so much more than a similar moment with almost anyone else? In this episode, I explore what happens when the person who feels like your person doesn't respond in the way you're hoping they will. What began as a conversation with my husband Ben about some feedback I received on an exciting new project quickly became something much deeper. While the feedback itself wasn't particularly negative, and Ben wasn't trying to hurt me, I found myself feeling unsupported, unseen, and unexpectedly wounded. Through an Imago and nervous-system-informed lens, I explore why moments of disconnection can feel so painful in our closest relationships and how those moments often touch old places within us that long to feel seen, valued, supported, and like we belong. This episode also introduces a small piece of what I think of as the connection paradox: our deep human need for connection and belonging, alongside our equally deep fear of being hurt in relationship. Because often, the conflict we're having isn't really about the conflict. Beneath frustration, disappointment, criticism, and defensiveness is frequently a deeper longing, one that has been with us for a very long time. And sometimes, naming that longing is exactly what opens the door to repair. In this episode, we explore: • Why the people we love most have the greatest capacity to hurt us • How moments of disconnection can activate old wounds and protective responses • The connection paradox: longing for connection while fearing it at the same time • Why romantic relationships often bring unfinished emotional experiences to the surface • How the Imago concept of the power struggle can be understood as growth trying to happen • The difference between intention and impact in relationships • What happens when two nervous systems move into self-protection • Why feeling unsupported can hurt even when no harm was intended • The deeper needs that often exist beneath conflict and criticism • How identifying a vulnerable longing can create movement toward repair • Why support does not always mean agreement • How sharing vulnerability can transform relational conflict Sometimes the deepest hurt isn't about what was said. It's about what we were longing for. And when we can identify that longing, and share it with the people we love, we create the possibility for greater understanding, deeper connection, and meaningful repair. If you and your partner are ready to co-create the roadmap to the relationship of your dreams, join us for the next in-person "Getting the Love You Want" Weekend Couples Retreat! For support in how to have deeper connections and better communication in the relationships that matter most in your life, follow the host, Trish Sanders on Instagram , Bluesky or LinkedIn .
#72 The Brilliance of Blended States: Nervous System Flexibility & Creativity
What if feeling energized, creative, connected, rested, and even grieving aren't separate experiences, but examples of your nervous system doing exactly what it was designed to do? In this episode, I explore one of the most important, and least talked about, concepts in nervous system education: blended states. While we often talk about ventral, sympathetic, and dorsal as separate nervous system states, the reality is far more nuanced. Our nervous systems are constantly mixing and matching different forms of energy, helping us adapt to whatever life is asking of us in any given moment. Because the goal of nervous system wellness is not to stay calm all the time. And it’s not to live in ventral energy 24/7. The goal is flexibility. The ability to move, blend, adapt, recover, connect, create, rest, and respond to life with the right kind and amount of energy for the moment. In this episode, I explore how blended states show up in everyday life, from play, creativity, and movement to rest, grief, parenting, relationships, and some of our most meaningful human experiences. In this episode, we explore: • What blended nervous system states are and why they matter • Why pure nervous system states are likely the exception, not the norm • How ventral energy acts as an anchor for regulation and connection • The difference between sympathetic self-protection and ventral-anchored action • How rest, reflection, and restoration emerge when ventral and dorsal work together • Why some of life's most meaningful experiences happen in blended states • How creativity, play, movement, restorative rest and flow depend on nervous system flexibility • What it means to be "safely still" versus shut down • How blended states show up in parenting, relationships, grief, and everyday life • Why nervous system flexibility, not constant calm, is the true goal of regulation Your nervous system was never designed to stay in one state. It was designed to move. To blend. To adapt. To protect. To connect. To create. To grieve. To rest. To love. And perhaps some of the most beautiful moments in life happen when all of those capacities work together. If you and your partner are ready to co-create the roadmap to the relationship of your dreams, join us for the next in-person "Getting the Love You Want" Weekend Couples Retreat! For support in how to have deeper connections and better communication in the relationships that matter most in your life, follow the host, Trish Sanders on Instagram , Bluesky or LinkedIn .
#71 Clarity Rooted in the Nervous System: How Safety Helps You See Again
What if clarity is not just a mindset… but a nervous system experience? In this episode, I explore the idea that clarity is deeply rooted in our nervous system state and that when we are living in survival mode, overwhelmed, anxious, shut down, or depressed, clarity can become incredibly difficult to access. Drawing from both my personal experience and professional understanding of nervous system wellness, I talk about how depression can feel like sitting in the dark, while overwhelm can feel like being swept up in a tornado, both states making it difficult to see clearly, imagine possibilities, or know what next step to take. Because when our nervous systems are focused on survival, our vision narrows. Our creativity narrows. Our options narrow. But when we begin to experience even a little more safety, groundedness, and self-compassion, something important happens: The light slowly starts to come back on. In this episode, I share two deeply personal examples, one involving my journey with movement and caring for my physical body, and another involving the evolution of my professional path from therapist to coach, to explore how clarity often emerges slowly, step by step, through action, self-attunement, and nervous system safety. In this episode, we explore: • Why clarity is deeply connected to nervous system wellness • How depression, shutdown, anxiety, and overwhelm impact clarity and decision-making • The difference between survival states and grounded, connected states • Why clarity often unfolds gradually instead of arriving all at once • How perfectionism and all-or-nothing thinking can keep us stuck • Why tiny, sustainable steps often create more lasting change • The connection between self-compassion and clarity • How action itself can create clarity over time • Why nervous system safety helps expand creativity, possibility, and self-trust • How learning to listen to ourselves helps us build more aligned lives Sometimes clarity does not arrive as a giant lightning bolt moment. Sometimes it begins with ten minutes on a trampoline. Trying something new. Taking one small step. Or simply creating enough safety for the dust to settle and the light to slowly come back on again. If you and your partner are ready to co-create the roadmap to the relationship of your dreams, join us for the next in-person "Getting the Love You Want" Weekend Couples Retreat! For support in how to have deeper connections and better communication in the relationships that matter most in your life, follow the host, Trish Sanders on Instagram , Bluesky or LinkedIn .
#70 Regulation Is Not Calm: The Truth About Nervous System Wellness
What if nervous system regulation has far less to do with staying calm all the time… and much more to do with flexibility, awareness, and repair? In this episode, I unpack some of the biggest myths and misunderstandings I see surrounding nervous system regulation, polyvagal theory, and relational safety, including the widespread belief that being “regulated” means being endlessly calm, emotionally steady, and zen all the time. From both a clinical and personal perspective, I explore how these misconceptions can unintentionally reinforce perfectionism, emotional suppression, shame, conflict avoidance, and disconnection, even in people who are genuinely trying to heal and improve their relationships. Because nervous system wellness is not about never getting activated. And relational safety is not about never experiencing conflict. True nervous system wellness is about flexibility: The ability to move through activation consciously, recover more effectively, and return to connection with yourself and others. In this episode, we explore: • Why regulation does not simply mean “being calm” • The difference between emotional suppression and true nervous system regulation • Why healthy nervous systems are designed to shift states • How perfectionism and wellness culture can distort nervous system healing • Why being upset does not mean you failed or “aren’t healed” • The relational dangers of avoidance, self-silencing, and pseudo-calmness • How awareness creates more choice and flexibility in relationships • Why repair matters more than never becoming dysregulated • What relational safety actually means (and what it does not mean) • How nervous system wellness supports deeper connection, authenticity, and growth You can be regulated and still feel angry. Regulated and grieving. Regulated and activated. Because regulation is not emotional perfection. It’s the ability to stay connected to yourself and others while moving through the full range of human experience. If you and your partner are ready to co-create the roadmap to the relationship of your dreams, join us for the next in-person "Getting the Love You Want" Weekend Couples Retreat! For support in how to have deeper connections and better communication in the relationships that matter most in your life, follow the host, Trish Sanders on Instagram , Bluesky or LinkedIn .
#69 The Space to Come Back: How Relational Safety Changes Family Conflict
What if stepping back during conflict isn’t avoidance… but the very thing that creates space for repair? In this episode, I share two very ordinary but deeply meaningful moments from my own family that highlighted just how much relational safety, nervous system awareness, and repair have changed the way my husband, Ben, and I move through conflict. One moment involved tension between Ben and our teenage son after a frustrating situation at a water park. Another involved a vulnerable conversation between Ben and me that quickly started moving toward defensiveness and disconnection. In both situations, something important happened: Instead of escalating, we created space to come back. This episode is not about perfect communication, never getting dysregulated, or avoiding hard feelings. It’s about what becomes possible when relational safety is prioritized enough that repair, accountability, learning, and reconnection can actually happen. Because nervous system safety is not about suppressing conflict. It’s about creating the conditions where growth becomes possible. In this episode, we explore: • What relational safety can look like in everyday family conflict • Why dysregulation changes how we hear and respond to each other • The difference between escalation and creating space for repair • How nervous system awareness shifts parenting and partnership dynamics • Why stepping back is sometimes more relational than pushing forward • The importance of trusting people to self-regulate and return • How long-term relational patterns can begin to shift over time • Why being relational does not mean avoiding hard conversations • How repair and reconnection can become the new pattern in a family Relational growth is often much quieter than people expect. Sometimes it looks like pausing instead of pushing. Sometimes it looks like creating enough safety for someone to come back. And sometimes it looks like realizing that moments which once led to days or months of disconnection can now move through with more connection, care, and repair. If you and your partner are ready to co-create the roadmap to the relationship of your dreams, join us for the next in-person "Getting the Love You Want" Weekend Couples Retreat! For support in how to have deeper connections and better communication in the relationships that matter most in your life, follow the host, Trish Sanders on Instagram , Bluesky or LinkedIn .
#68 The Empathy Trap in Relationships: How Understanding Your Partner Can Keep You Both Stuck
What happens when empathy helps your partner feel deeply understood… but quietly keeps both of you stuck? In this episode, I explore what I call The Empathy Trap in Relationships, a dynamic where understanding your partner’s pain can sometimes make it harder to respond to the actual impact that pain is having on you, the relationship, and the family system as a whole. Drawing from my own marriage and years of professional experience, I talk about how empathy can unintentionally turn into over-functioning, imbalance, and staying in unhealthy relational loops for far too long. Empathy matters deeply. Feeling seen and understood helps create safety, connection, and healing. But when empathy only focuses on someone’s story, without also paying attention to both nervous systems in the relationship, it can unintentionally reinforce patterns that no longer serve either partner. In this episode, I introduce a more expanded version of empathy, one that includes compassion, accountability, boundaries, and nervous system awareness for both people in the relationship. Because true relational safety has to be co-created. In this episode, we explore: • What The Empathy Trap in Relationships actually is • How empathy can unintentionally reinforce unhealthy dynamics • The difference between understanding behavior and accepting it • Why over-empathizing can lead to over-functioning • How nervous system awareness changes relational patterns • The importance of including both nervous systems in empathy • Why safety and healing must be co-created in relationships • How expanded empathy creates the conditions for growth and change You can deeply understand your partner… without abandoning yourself in the process. If you and your partner are ready to co-create the roadmap to the relationship of your dreams, join us for the next in-person "Getting the Love You Want" Weekend Couples Retreat! For support in how to have deeper connections and better communication in the relationships that matter most in your life, follow the host, Trish Sanders on Instagram , Bluesky or LinkedIn .
#67 Showing Up Imperfectly: When Perfectionism Looks Like Overachieving
What if perfectionism doesn’t make you shut down… but makes it impossible to stop pushing? In this episode, I explore the overachieving side of perfectionism, the version that looks productive, driven, high-functioning, and constantly in motion. The version that says, “I’ll just try harder,” “I’ll keep pushing,” or “If I can just get this right, then I’ll finally feel okay.” This conversation builds on last week’s episode about showing up imperfectly through a more avoidant perfectionism pattern, the kind that pulls back when things feel overwhelming. But perfectionism doesn’t only show up through avoidance. For many people, it shows up through striving. Through a nervous-system-informed lens, I explore how both avoidant perfectionism and overachieving perfectionism are rooted in the same thing: a system trying to find safety. For some people, safety came through shutting down, withdrawing, or avoiding. For others, safety came through doing more, pushing harder, and staying constantly mobilized. While these patterns can look completely opposite from the outside, both are adaptive responses shaped by overwhelm, stress, and self-protection. I also share how these patterns can exist within the same person and how they can shape relationship dynamics over time. In my relationship with my husband Ben, when his system moved more toward shutdown, mine often moved toward striving and over-functioning in response. This episode explores how showing up imperfectly matters not only for the person who avoids, but also for the person who over-functions. Because for the overachieving perfectionist, showing up imperfectly may actually mean learning to do less. In this episode, I explore: • The difference between avoidant and overachieving perfectionism • How perfectionism develops through different nervous system survival strategies • Dorsal shutdown vs. sympathetic striving responses • Why overachieving can look healthy while still being driven by self-protection • The hidden cost of constantly pushing, striving, and over-functioning • How perfectionism can disconnect us from our body, limits, and needs • Why overachieving and avoidance can exist in the same person • Common relationship dynamics between shutdown and over-functioning partners • Why showing up imperfectly matters for both perfectionism patterns • How imperfect action for overachievers may actually mean slowing down, resting, or doing less • The connection between awareness, regulation, and self-trust You do not have to get rid of your patterns to begin healing. The goal is not perfection. The goal is awareness, flexibility, and learning how to stay connected to yourself while you grow. If you and your partner are ready to co-create the roadmap to the relationship of your dreams, join us for the next in-person "Getting the Love You Want" Weekend Couples Retreat! For support in how to have deeper connections and better communication in the relationships that matter most in your life, follow the host, Trish Sanders on Instagram , Bluesky or LinkedIn .
#66 Showing Up Imperfectly: One Way This Perfectionist Is Learning to Trust Herself
What does it actually look like to build self-trust, not when everything is going well, but when it’s not? In this episode, I share a real-time experience from a physically challenging week and how it brought me back to something I’ve been actively working on: learning to show up imperfectly. As a perfectionist, I’ve often found it easier to show up when I feel clear, capable, or confident. But showing up when things feel messy, unclear, or “not good enough”? That’s where I’ve historically pulled back. What I’m learning is this: self-trust isn’t built in perfect moments. It’s built when we choose to show up as we are. This episode explores one way I’m beginning to shift that pattern, by redefining what it means to show up and allowing it to be imperfect, flexible, and aligned with my actual capacity. Because showing up doesn’t mean pushing past your limits or ignoring your body. It means finding a way to show up that’s honest and sustainable. In addition to this being significantly less taxing to your system, a bonus here is that showing up in a "small" way may have a big impact. We also look at how the nervous system plays a role in moments when we don’t show up. What can look like inconsistency is often overwhelm or protection, not a lack of care or laziness. This is one piece of how I’m learning to build self-trust. In future episodes, I’ll share other ways to deepen this process. In this episode, I explore: • Why perfectionism can make it hard to show up • How showing up imperfectly builds self-trust over time • The connection between consistency and identity • Why small actions matter more than getting it “right” • How to show up in ways that match your capacity • The role of the nervous system in overwhelm and avoidance • Why “something is better than nothing” can be a powerful shift You don’t have to be perfect to be consistent. You don’t have to feel totally ready to show up. You just have to find one way to show up as you are. Because that’s how trust is built. If you and your partner are ready to co-create the roadmap to the relationship of your dreams, join us for the next in-person "Getting the Love You Want" Weekend Couples Retreat! For support in how to have deeper connections and better communication in the relationships that matter most in your life, follow the host, Trish Sanders on Instagram , Bluesky or LinkedIn .
#65 The Empathy Trap: When Feeling Understood Doesn’t Create Change
What if empathy may help you feel seen, but may also be keeping you stuck? In this episode, I explore what I call The Empathy Trap, a subtle but powerful dynamic where empathy focused only on the story can create connection, but not change. We’re often taught that empathy is always helpful. And it is. Feeling understood reduces shame, softens defensiveness, and helps us feel less alone. But through both my personal therapy experience and my work with clients, I’ve come to see that empathy can sometimes be incomplete. Most empathy focuses on the story: what happened and why it makes sense. And while that matters, staying there can unintentionally reinforce the very experience we’re trying to move through. In this episode, I introduce an expanded approach: empathizing not just with the story, but with the nervous system state beneath it. Because when we understand what’s happening inside our body, not just in our circumstances, we create the conditions for real movement, not just empathic validation. In this episode, we explore: • Why empathy is essential, but sometimes limited • What “The Empathy Trap” actually is • The difference between story-based and state-based empathy • Why feeling understood doesn’t always lead to change • How nervous system awareness creates movement • A simple way to practice expanded self-empathy Empathy helps us feel seen. But expanded empathy helps us move. If you and your partner are ready to co-create the roadmap to the relationship of your dreams, join us for the next in-person "Getting the Love You Want" Weekend Couples Retreat! For support in how to have deeper connections and better communication in the relationships that matter most in your life, follow the host, Trish Sanders on Instagram , Bluesky or LinkedIn .
#64 The Conscious Crash: How Doing the Work Changes the Struggle
What happens when you have the awareness, the tools, and the language, and still find yourself crashing into dysregulation? In this episode, I share a deeply personal experience I came to describe as a conscious crash , a moment where I could see my nervous system becoming overwhelmed in real time, but couldn’t stop the descent. This experience was layered, a painful moment with my son that activated guilt and heartbreak, stress around falling behind in my work, and a familiar seasonal pattern of shutdown that surfaces for me in April. All of it culminated in a dorsal crash that led me to step away, rest, and move through several days of shutdown. While much of this podcast explores growth, repair, and relational awareness, this conversation focuses on something equally important, what it looks like when those skills don’t prevent the experience, but help you move through it without losing yourself. Building on previous episodes about intention, impact, rupture, and repair, this episode brings those concepts into lived experience. Because while repair is often thought of relationally, it’s also something we must navigate internally, especially when our own system feels like a cue of danger. Through a nervous-system-informed lens, I explore what it means to stay conscious inside dysregulation, including how awareness showed up as a kind of “ventral narrator,” allowing me to witness what was happening without collapsing into shame, even as thoughts like “I’m a failure” and urges to "cope" arose. I also share how this experience impacted my relationship with my husband Ben, how dysregulation shifted my perception of him into a cue of danger, created rupture, and how repair, while not immediate, still occurred. Through communication and a willingness to come back, we were able to reconnect. A key turning point was shifting from empathizing with the story to empathizing with the state of my nervous system, recognizing that my system had moved into protection and asking what it needed to feel safer. At its core, this episode offers a different perspective on growth, not as the absence of struggle, but as the ability to stay with yourself during it, with less shame, more awareness, and a path back to connection. In this episode, we explore: • What a “conscious crash” is • How stressors can compound into dysregulation • Why awareness does not prevent activation • The difference between dysregulation and disconnection from self • The role of the “ventral narrator” • Why “not making it worse” is meaningful work • How coping patterns show up, and what shifts with awareness • How dysregulation changes perception, including seeing loved ones as cues of danger • How it can lead to relational rupture • Why repair may be delayed • The shift from story to nervous system state • How small steps support recovery • What it means to stay in relationship with yourself • Why growth looks like reduced shame • How connection can be rebuilt This episode is a reminder that being conscious doesn’t mean you won’t have hard moments. It means you can stay with yourself while they’re happening, and trust that even from dysregulation, there is a path back to connection. If you and your partner are ready to co-create the roadmap to the relationship of your dreams, join us for the next in-person "Getting the Love You Want" Weekend Couples Retreat! For support in how to have deeper connections and better communication in the relationships that matter most in your life, follow the host, Trish Sanders on Instagram , Bluesky or LinkedIn .
#63 Relational Safety and Repair: Moving from Dysregulation to Connection
What does it actually take to move from dysregulation to connection, especially in the moments when repair feels hardest to reach? In this episode, I expand the conversation on relational repair by exploring what happens when conflict is more intense, reactive, and harder to navigate. While repair may feel more accessible in lower-stress moments, it becomes more complex when nervous systems are activated and safety feels out of reach. Building on previous episodes on intention, impact, rupture, and repair, this conversation widens the lens to a deeper truth: repair is not one-size-fits-all. It exists on a spectrum, and the path back to connection depends on the level of dysregulation, the depth of impact, and how much safety is available. Through both personal and professional reflection, including my relationship with my husband Ben, I explore how disconnection can become entrenched when partners are stuck in self-protection and how repair becomes possible as we slow down, regulate, and co-create safety. Through an Imago and nervous-system-informed lens, this episode centers a key shift: repair is not about proving who is right or wrong, assigning blame, or fixing a moment. The deeper work is restoring relational safety, creating the conditions that allow two nervous systems to move out of protection and back toward connection. We also explore how safety is not something one person can give or demand, but something built through awareness, accountability, boundaries, and ongoing relational effort. At its core, this episode invites you to understand repair as a process of movement, from dysregulation to connection, one that may require time, space, and deeper work, especially in moments of higher activation. In this episode, we explore: • What it means to move from dysregulation to connection in real-life relationships • The difference between low, moderate, and high dysregulation • Why repair is not always immediate • How nervous system activation can make repair feel unsafe • Why defensiveness, shutdown, or reactivity are forms of protection • How disconnection patterns build when partners are stuck in self-protection • Why relational safety is the foundation for reconnection • How boundaries support regulation and safety rather than rejection • The shift from individual ethics to relational ethics • Why both partners are responsible — but not always at the same time or in the same way • How capacity impacts who can move toward reconnection • The role of personal responsibility and inner work in breaking patterns • Why unresolved patterns often repeat without awareness • How meaningful repair supports healing of past wounds • What it means for partners to become a resource for each other • How repair becomes more accessible as safety is built This episode brings the series on rupture and repair to a close by expanding the conversation into more complex relational dynamics. It highlights that repair is not always quick or easy, and that moving from dysregulation back into connection depends on enough safety to turn toward one another. Over time, as safety is co-created and reinforced, that movement becomes more possible, consistent, and meaningful. If you and your partner are ready to co-create the roadmap to the relationship of your dreams, join us for the next in-person "Getting the Love You Want" Weekend Couples Retreat! For support in how to have deeper connections and better communication in the relationships that matter most in your life, follow the host, Trish Sanders on Instagram , Bluesky or LinkedIn .
#62 Repair in Real Life: What We’ve Learned About Creating Relational Safety and Reconnecting
What does repair actually look like in real life and what makes it possible for two people to reconnect, even after years of disconnection? In this episode, my husband Ben joins me for a real, unscripted conversation about what we’ve learned over time about repair and how creating relational safety has been essential in allowing that repair to happen. Building on the previous episodes on intention, impact, rupture, and repair, we move beyond understanding repair and into lived experience. Because while many people know that repair matters, what often gets missed is this: repair is only possible when both people feel safe enough to move toward one another. Through a candid conversation about our own relationship, we explore how moments of disconnection can quickly activate defensiveness, protection, or withdrawal and how those responses, while understandable, can make reconnection feel out of reach. We also reflect on how our relationship has evolved as we’ve learned to recognize these patterns and respond differently. Through an Imago and nervous-system-informed lens, this episode centers the idea that repair is not about fixing a problem or proving who is right or wrong. The deeper work of repair is creating relational safety, an environment where both partners can take accountability, stay present, and move back toward connection without fear of blame, shame, or disconnection. We also explore how relational safety is not something one person gives, but something co-created through presence, curiosity, responsibility, and a willingness to stay engaged even when it feels vulnerable. At its core, this episode is an invitation to see that repair is not just a skill, it’s a relational process that becomes more accessible over time as safety is built, experienced, and reinforced between two people. In this episode, we explore: • What repair looks like in real life, over time, in an evolving relationship • Why relational safety is the foundation that makes repair possible • How disconnection can activate protective responses like defensiveness, shutdown, or withdrawal • Why those responses are often about protection, not lack of care • What it means to co-create safety between two partners • The role of accountability and responsibility in restoring connection • How repair becomes more accessible as safety increases • What changes when partners feel safe enough to stay present and engaged • The difference between understanding repair and living it in real time • How relational patterns shift over time with awareness and practice • What it looks like to reconnect after disconnection without blame or shame • Why repair is an ongoing process, not a one-time fix This episode is part of an ongoing series on rupture and repair. In this conversation, we bring the focus to what makes repair possible, highlighting how creating relational safety allows two people to reconnect and grow together over time. If you and your partner are ready to co-create the roadmap to the relationship of your dreams, join us for the next in-person "Getting the Love You Want" Weekend Couples Retreat! For support in how to have deeper connections and better communication in the relationships that matter most in your life, follow the host, Trish Sanders on Instagram , Bluesky or LinkedIn .
#61 Repair in Relationships: How to Do It (and Why It Can Feel So Hard)
Is saying “I’m sorry” difficult for you or for your partner? In this episode, we look at why that can be true, even when you care deeply about your relationship and what repair actually requires. Building on the last two episodes about intention, impact, rupture, and repair, we move more directly into the experience of repair itself. Because while many people understand that repair is important, far fewer understand what they are actually repairing or why it can feel so hard to get there. Through both personal and professional examples, I explore how moments of disconnection can quickly turn into cycles of defensiveness, blame, shutdown, or avoidance. These responses are often misunderstood as lack of care, when in reality they are nervous system strategies designed to protect. Through an Imago and nervous system-informed lens, we look at what repair is truly about. Repair is not about proving who is right or wrong, taking full blame, or even immediately changing behavior. The deeper goal of repair is to restore relational safety, to help both partners feel seen, understood, and safe enough to reconnect. This episode also explores how easily repair becomes tangled with apology, fault, and blame, plus why that creates resistance. When repair feels like losing, being “wrong,” or being judged, it becomes much harder to move toward, even when connection is what we most want. At its core, this episode is an invitation to understand repair differently, not as a performance or a box to check by saying “sorry,” but as a relational process of restoring safety and connection between two nervous systems. In this episode, we explore: What repair actually means in relationships Why repair is not the same as apology, blame, or being right What we are really repairing when connection feels broken Why repair can feel so difficult, even when we care A simple structure for repair (acknowledging impact, offering support, and moving forward) Why acknowledging impact is the foundation of meaningful repair How phrases like “I’m sorry” can help, or hinder, depending on state and intention How nervous system activation leads to defensiveness, shutdown, or avoidance Why protective responses are often misunderstood as lack of care Common ways repair gets blocked, including defensiveness and fear of blame Why repair is a two-person process, not a one-sided responsibility Practical ways to begin repair, including “redos,” modeling, and reconnecting behaviors How Imago Dialogue supports deeper, more complete repair Why repair is about restoring connection, not fixing the problem What makes repair feel safe enough to move toward This episode is part of an ongoing series on rupture and repair. Here, we begin to move from understanding repair to practicing it, exploring what it can look like and how to take a first step, even when it feels hard. If you and your partner are ready to co-create the roadmap to the relationship of your dreams, join us for the next in-person "Getting the Love You Want" Weekend Couples Retreat! For support in how to have deeper connections and better communication in the relationships that matter most in your life, follow the host, Trish Sanders on Instagram , Bluesky or LinkedIn .
