Published by Valerie McDonnell, LCSW - Licensed Psychotherapist & Relationship Coach
Sexuality
Health & Fitness
Society & Culture
Relationships
If intimacy feels like pressure instead of pleasure, you're not alone - and there's a reason why. Licensed sex and couples therapist Valerie McDonnell breaks down the real barriers to connection that most people don't even know exist. From performance anxiety and sexless relationships to attachment wounds and nervous system dysregulation, each episode teaches the same tools Valerie uses with private clients. You'll learn how to regulate your body when sex feels triggering, how to communicate without fighting, how to rebuild desire when it's been gone for months or years, and how to stop abandoning yourself in relationships. Whether you're struggling with low desire, erectile dysfunction, people-pleasing in the bedroom, or feeling completely disconnected from your partner, this podcast will help you understand what's really happening and what you can do about it. Tune in for new episodes every Tuesday because trauma doesn't get the last word, and sex therapy isn't for people who are broken - it's for people brave enough to look beneath the surface.
When Scheduling Sex Helps and When It Makes Things Worse
Scheduling sex can sound like a practical solution when life is full and intimacy keeps getting pushed aside. It can also leave you feeling like sex has become another obligation on the calendar, especially when the pressure starts building long before the scheduled time arrives. The difference often comes down to what that time is expected to guarantee. When scheduling protects space for connection and leaves room for desire to develop, it can take pressure off. When it starts to feel like a commitment to arousal, intercourse, or orgasm, your nervous system may experience the schedule as a demand instead of an invitation. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I explain when scheduling sex can help and why it sometimes makes things worse. I also share how to create intentional time for connection without making a specific sexual outcome the requirement. 2:12 – Why the idea that desire must be spontaneous might be quietly setting your relationship up to fail 4:37 – Responsive desire and the real goal of scheduling sex 5:47 – The impact of scheduling sex on highly anxious or neurodivergent people 6:34 – What most sex-positive content leaves out of the discussion 7:26 – The hidden buildup that can start days before the encounter and ruin the moment 9:24 – How a trauma history changes the feel of a scheduled block, and the reframe that makes it safer 10:54 – A four-part framework for trying scheduled intimacy without turning it into a test or obligation Mentioned In When Scheduling Sex Helps and When It Makes Things Worse Esther Perel Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski, Ph.D. Why Great Long-Term Relationships Still Struggle With Sex How to Stop the Pursue Withdraw Cycle Without Blame RISE to Intimacy Free 30-Minute Consult Leave a rating and review
Couples wait an average of six years after problems start before ever getting help. If you’ve been sitting on the question, “Will you go to couples therapy with me?” you probably understand how that happens. You know something needs to shift, but you’re worried your partner will hear the request as, “Our relationship is failing,” or “You’re the problem.” Even if you never say those words, that energy can show up in your tone and body language. Research on conflict conversations has found that the first three minutes predict, with striking accuracy, how the whole conversation will go. So the words you choose, along with your tone and timing, can make the difference between an invitation your partner is open to and a conversation that turns defensive before it even starts. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I give you the exact language to use when asking your partner to go to couples therapy. I explain how to use a podcast episode as a lower-pressure starting point, respond to the fear underneath their objections, and pause the conversation if it starts going sideways. I also share why asking your partner to try one session can feel much easier than asking them to commit to therapy without knowing what that commitment will look like. 1:37 – Why the first three minutes of this conversation matter more than almost anything you say after 2:45 – How to choose your approach based on the pattern in your relationship 5:01 – How to broach the subject with your partner in a gentle, non-accusatory way 6:49 – Why your partner might push back, and what to do if the conversation starts moving towards conflict 8:32 – How to introduce couples therapy like an addition to the relationship instead of a verdict on it 10:27 – Why your relationship isn’t doomed if your partner still says no 11:34 – Bringing everything together so you can start applying it today Mentioned In How to Ask Your Partner to Go to Couples Therapy Sexless Relationships Get Worse the Longer You Wait Resentment Is the Silent Killer of Sexual Desire How to Stop the Pursue Withdraw Cycle Without Blame RISE to Intimacy Free 30-Minute Consult Leave a rating and review
Your desire for sex doesn’t match your partner’s, and now you’re wondering what that difference says about your relationship. Is this a normal part of being together long term, or a sign that something has started to go wrong? Mismatched sex drives are incredibly common, but that doesn’t mean every desire gap should be ignored. Sometimes the difference comes down to spontaneous and responsive desire. Other times, resentment, pressure, and emotional disconnection have started changing the relationship far beyond what happens in the bedroom. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I explain how to tell when mismatched sex drives are a normal part of a long-term relationship and when the gap has started causing real damage. I also share the signs that tell me a couple may need support and what we actually work on in sex therapy. 2:13 – Why mismatched sex drives do not mean you’re incompatible 3:09 – How spontaneous and responsive desire create a cycle of rejection and pressure 6:14 – Five signs mismatched sex drives may need outside support 10:40 – Why initiating sex more often can make the problem worse 11:19 – Two responses to sexual rejection that damage the relationship 12:25 – What couples work on first in sex therapy 15:34 – What a fulfilling sex life can look like after sex therapy 17:08 – How to tell if mismatched sex drives are normal or a real problem Mentioned In How to Know If Mismatched Sex Drives Are a Real Problem Why People Pleasers Lose Desire and How to Reclaim It RISE to Intimacy Free 30-Minute Consult Leave a rating and review
A viral podcast clip recently claimed that pleasuring a woman during sex has “not much ROI” and that using a vibrator would make him feel “cucked.” Reducing a woman’s orgasm to a business calculation may sound extreme, but the belief underneath it is far more common. Female pleasure is treated as extra, optional, or only worth pursuing when it happens easily. Sex education often skips the clitoris, pornography turns performance into instruction, and penetration is still treated as the main event. That means most of us were never taught how female pleasure actually works. When that becomes the script, a woman’s pleasure is easier to ignore, and the orgasm gap becomes far less surprising. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I break down the anatomy behind female pleasure and what the research says about how women reach orgasm during partnered sex. I explain what the orgasm gap reveals, why women’s pleasure can disappear from the sexual equation, and how that pattern affects desire, trust, and connection over time. I also share what helps couples create a sex life where both partners feel seen, informed, and genuinely invested in each other’s experience. 0:53 – What one viral podcast remark about "ROI" reveals about a much bigger cultural blind spot around female pleasure 3:14 – The real anatomy of the clitoris and why most people (including many women) only know a fraction of it 6:08 – Why incuriosity is the real issue for some men here, not simply being unaware of where the clitoris is or how to stimulate a female partner 7:54 – How long it takes a woman to orgasm (and why the range matters more than the average) 9:36 – Why lesbian women orgasm at significantly higher rates than heterosexual women (and what it reveals about where the "problem" really lives) 11:03 – How women adapt to consistently absent orgasms and the coping mechanism most don’t even realize they’re using 11:47 – Why faking orgasms starts as self-protection and can lead to a sexless relationship 14:09 – The three-part process used in couples therapy to help a woman reconnect to her own pleasure and openly communicate it to her partner 15:07 – What separates the men who make real progress in this work from the ones who stay stuck 17:53 – Why this matters beyond a single podcast clip 18:47 – What happens when both partners commit to closing the orgasm gap Mentioned In Is a Woman’s Orgasm Worth the Effort? “Pleasure-producing human clitoris has more than 10,000 nerve fibers” | Oregon Health & Science University “How long does it take for a woman to reach orgasm?” | International Society for Sexual Medicine “Devaluing Women’s Orgasm: An Experimental Investigation of Whether, When, and to What Effect Women and Men Reduce the Importance of Women’s Orgasm” | Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin Why You Can Orgasm Alone But Not With Your Partner Why Women Struggle With Desire and Knowing What They Want RISE to Intimacy Free 30-Minute Consult Leave a rating and review
When one partner wants sex and the other pulls away, it can start to feel like every attempt at closeness comes with a risk. If you’re the one initiating, you may feel rejected, unwanted, or unsure whether your partner desires you anymore. So eventually, you stop trying altogether, not because the desire is gone, but because the rejection has become too painful to keep risking. Underneath that pattern, both partners are usually trying to protect themselves. One person reaches for sex because it helps them feel connected and reassured, while the other starts experiencing that same initiation as pressure, expectation, or the possibility of disappointing their partner again. The more loaded sex becomes, the harder it is for either of you to feel safe enough to reach for each other in a way that actually lands. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I explain the dynamics behind the sexual pursue-withdraw cycle and how it impacts both partners’ nervous systems. I talk about why the same couple can be each other’s pursuer and withdrawer, why this pattern often outlasts the arguments it creates, and how the way you say no can be the difference between disappointment and rejection. I also share four strategies you can practice together to interrupt the cycle, rebuild safety around physical intimacy, and start feeling connected again. 2:32 – A brief disclaimer for the partner who withdraws from sex 3:37 – Why the dynamics behind the initiating partner and the withdrawing partner aren’t what they seem 5:54 – How your brain processes constant sexual rejection, and how partners can switch between the pursuer-withdrawer roles 7:37 – Why only addressing the emotional side of the relationship can sometimes make things worse 8:10 – How the nervous system's feeling of unsafety comes into play for both the pursuer and the withdrawer 10:38 – The effects of sexual satisfaction and dissatisfaction on couples, and the difference between a rejection that wounds vs. disappoints 11:45 – Why the absence of fighting about sex anymore might actually be a sign of trouble ahead 13:34 – How the emotional and sexual pursue-withdraw cycles feed each other in a way that worsens both over time 14:25 – Four strategies for rebuilding safety around physical connection without the weight of expectation or risk of rejection 22:05 – What actually creates the sexual pursuit-withdrawal cycle in relationships Mentioned In When One Partner Wants Sex and the Other Pulls Away How to Stop the Pursue-Withdraw Cycle Without Blame Why You Can Orgasm Alone But Not With Your Partner Fixing a Sexless Relationship Starts With Emotional Regulation RISE to Intimacy Free 30-Minute Consult Leave a rating and review
You love your partner and want sex to feel close, connected, and mutual, yet desire can still feel harder to access than you think it should. When they ask what you like, what turns you on, or what would help you feel more present in your body, you may not have a clear answer. That confusion can be painful for both of you, especially when your partner experiences your uncertainty as distance, disconnection, or rejection. Those moments make more sense when you look at how early the messages start. Long before you were in an adult relationship, you may have learned that your body was something to monitor, your desire was something to hide, and your sexuality belonged to someone else before it ever belonged to you. Those messages do not disappear just because you are with someone safe. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I explain why women’s desire can feel so hard to access and why knowing what you want sexually is not as simple as “just tell me what you like.” I trace how shame, fear, safety messaging, and social conditioning shape the way women relate to their bodies and desire. I also share what male partners need to understand, and where women can begin when they’re ready to start reclaiming their sexual desire. 3:37 – How school dress codes teach girls that their bodies are something to monitor, manage, and cover up 5:10 – Why religious messages about purity, temptation, and obedience can be so hard for women to unravel 7:42 – How sexual double standards teach girls to hide desire while boys are praised for expressing it 9:30 – Why family conversations about sex often teach girls fear before they ever learn about pleasure 12:49 – How being taught to stay accommodating and “not too much” follows women into the bedroom 14:15 – How the media, Me Too, and the backlash that followed shaped women’s relationship with sexual safety 17:54 – What reproductive control can do to a woman’s psychological relationship with her own body 21:02 – The question male partners can ask when they want to understand instead of pressure 22:02 – Three starting points for women ready to begin unlearning a lifetime of sexual conditioning Mentioned In Why Women Struggle With Desire and Knowing What They Want Rose McGowan “Hollywood Was Worse Than The Cult I Escaped” | We Need to Talk with Paul C. Brunson Podcast Why You Can Orgasm Alone But Not With Your Partner RISE to Intimacy Free 30-Minute Consult Leave a rating and review
Ever tried to resolve conflict with your partner, only for the argument to end because one of you finally gave in? It might look like the conflict is resolved, maybe even like someone won, but the person who backed down is usually still hurting underneath it all. They’re tired of explaining themselves, tired of having the same fight on repeat, and tired of feeling like the only way to move forward is to check out. That kind of “resolution” doesn’t create real repair. It creates self-abandonment, and over time, that is exactly how resentment starts building in a relationship. Real conflict resolution has to make room for both people to feel heard, respected, and steady enough to reconnect, even when the issue itself does not have a clean solution. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I’m concluding this communication series by sharing how to resolve conflict with your partner without leaving one person feeling like they lost another fight. I walk through the difference between solvable problems and perpetual problems, how to work with each one, and why reconnection after hard conversations matters just as much as the resolution itself. 2:54 – Why not all conflicts in relationships can be resolved 4:09 – How to figure out whether you’re dealing with a solvable or unsolvable conflict 5:37 – Five steps to resolve solvable conflicts between you and your partner 11:09 – An example of how Dr. John and Julie Gottman learn to live with one perpetual difference between them 13:23 – How to move from gridlock to dialogue with your partner about the unresolvable issues 18:00 – One final step to tackle after you’ve reached a solution or a compromise 20:41 – Quick review of the communication framework covered in this series Mentioned In How to Resolve Conflict With Your Partner Without Resentment How to Validate Your Partner Without Losing Your Own Perspective How to Pause During Conflict Before It Causes Damage The Gottman Institute Relationship Reset Couples Program Relationship Readiness Intensive Rise to Intimacy Free 30-Minute Consult Leave a rating and review
You’re in the middle of a heated argument with your partner, and suddenly you can’t think clearly. Maybe you go quiet and wait for it to be over. Maybe you say something you already know you’ll regret. When this happens, learning how to pause during conflict can be the difference between a hard conversation that gets repaired and a fight that keeps causing damage. When your nervous system becomes flooded, your body moves into fight or flight. Your capacity to listen, feel empathy, think clearly, and problem-solve drops, which means trying to push through the conversation usually makes things worse. The goal is not to avoid the conflict, but to step away with enough structure that both of you can come back when your bodies are actually capable of connection. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I walk you through the Pause Protocol, a structured process I use with my clients when conflict becomes too overwhelming to continue. I explain what physiological flooding is, why productive communication becomes impossible in that state, and how to pause, regulate, reconnect, and return to the conversation before more damage is done. 2:21 – What’s happening in your body when a conversation between you and your partner goes sideways 5:16 – Why pausing in the middle of the argument isn’t the counterproductive move it seems like on the surface 7:22 – What the pause protocol is and how to use it effectively (so things don’t get worse) 10:18 – Where most people go wrong with the protocol, and how long the pause should last 12:43 – How to check back in with each other once the pause period ends 15:01 – Why walking away doesn’t have to mean you’re leaving the issue unresolved, and a pattern worth paying attention to if it develops 17:33 – Three things that happen when you don’t take a time out during an argument with your partner 20:05 – A review of what you need to agree on as a couple before you need the pause protocol Mentioned In How to Pause During Conflict Before It Causes Damage How to Validate Your Partner Without Losing Your Own Perspective The Gottman Institute Relationship Reset Couples Program Relationship Readiness Intensive Rise to Intimacy Free 30-Minute Consult Leave a rating and review
How to Validate Your Partner Without Losing Your Own Perspective
Your partner may have told you they don't feel heard, even though you were right there listening to every word and even responding. Hearing someone and making them feel heard are two different things, and most of us were never taught how to validate our partner in a way that actually lands. When that gap becomes a pattern, the same fight keeps happening, just with different words. When resentment starts building, most couples rush to explain themselves or fix the problem, skipping two steps that have to come first, acknowledgment and validation. The reason both feel so hard comes down to what's happening in your brain, because the moment your partner shares how they feel, your brain interprets it as an attack and shuts down the exact skills you need to respond well. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I'm starting a new series on communication with these two foundational steps. I explain why your brain interprets your partner's feelings as a personal attack, what acknowledgment and validation actually look like in practice, and how to use them even when you think your partner is completely wrong, including where they have limits and what to do when emotions get too high to keep talking. 4:33 – How the cycle of repetitive arguments usually begins 5:57 – Why jumping straight to defensiveness or problem-solving ends up backfiring 8:57 – Four common beliefs that keep couples from acknowledging or validating each other 13:55 – The difference between acknowledgment and validation, and why couples can often struggle with one and not the other 17:00 – What to do when you disagree with everything your partner says 19:05 – The difference between validation and invalidation (and a commonly used phrase that seems validating, but isn’t) 21:36 – What validation does NOT require you to do, and how to set a boundary while still validating your partner’s feelings Mentioned In How to Validate Your Partner Without Losing Your Own Perspective The Gottman Institute Relationship Reset Couples Program Relationship Readiness Intensive Rise to Intimacy Free 30-Minute Consult Leave a rating and review
You're in the middle of a conflict with your partner, but instead of turning toward them, you turn toward your phone. Within minutes, you've watched three videos, found a comment section that agrees with everything you're feeling, and now you have a word for what your partner is doing to you…or do you? The flood of mental health content on platforms like TikTok feels like progress on the surface, but it's doing real damage underneath. Clinical language gets stripped of its context, handed to an algorithm, and packaged as a 60-second verdict on your relationship. And a lot of what's being passed around as insight is actually accelerating conflict, pathologizing normal disagreements, and teaching people to replace conversation with consumption. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I reveal the four biggest ways I see TikTok therapy content damaging real couples. I also share five concrete things you can start doing to change how you use it (without needing to delete it). 2:10 – Why the most viral mental health content is rarely the most accurate 5:23 – How therapy language gets weaponized in relationships 9:04 – How TikTok's algorithm feeds your worst relationship fears 10:51 – Why one-size-fits-all advice fails infinitely complex relationships 12:46 – What happens when consuming content about your relationship replaces being in it 14:04 – Five things you can do to change how you engage with relationship content online Mentioned In Why TikTok Therapy Advice Is Hurting Your Relationship Esther Perel | Books | Where Should We Begin? Rise to Intimacy Free 30-Minute Consult Leave a rating and review
You’re the easygoing, low-maintenance one who keeps the peace. You’ve probably spent years being this way, but what if it’s costing you the connection you crave in your relationship? Most people know about fight, flight, and freeze. But the fawn response is the one that flies under the radar, because it doesn't look like a problem. It looks like being a good partner. You say yes when you mean no, you minimize your feelings before they even leave your mouth, and you prioritize your partner's comfort over your own needs. But fawning isn't your personality. It's a survival strategy your nervous system learned, and over time it quietly erodes the intimacy you're working so hard to protect. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast , I break down what fawning actually is, how it connects to self-silencing and attachment patterns, and why the fawn response shows up in your sex life in ways you might not expect. I also share practical ways to start shifting this pattern without overwhelming your nervous system. 1:07 – What the fawn response is and how it connects to self-silencing 3:50 – How fawning overlaps with anxious attachment and emotional suppression 6:01 – What sexual fawning looks like and why it leads to low desire and avoidance 6:59 – The relational dynamic fawning creates and why your partner may not see it 9:11 – Why you can't force yourself out of fawning and what to do instead 10:54 – Tracking emotions in your body and redefining what safety means in relationships Mentioned In The Fawn Response and Why Being "Easy" in Relationships Costs You Intimacy Rise to Intimacy Free 30-Minute Consult Leave a rating and review
You've told your partner what you need. Maybe you've told them a hundred times, and nothing changes. So at some point, you stopped asking. You stopped being vulnerable. You stopped fighting for it. And somewhere in that silence, a story started forming that says, “They don't care. They never will, and maybe this relationship is too far gone to fix.” That resentment doesn't announce itself. It builds slowly through dismissed comments, unresolved arguments, and years of swallowing your needs until you forget why you even had them. It quietly rewires how you see your partner, until you're no longer responding to the person in front of you but to the story you've built about them. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast , I break down why resentment is the most underestimated threat to long-term relationships and sexual desire. I share how it fundamentally changes the way you interpret your partner’s actions, what it's actually trying to tell you, and what it takes for both partners to move through it before emotional distance becomes the new normal. 2:15 – How resentment stops being about a situation gone wrong and becomes a hardened story about your partner 3:57 – One of the most frustrating ways resentment shows up 4:46 – Example of how unprocessed hurt can move partners into avoidance, retaliation, and conflict 8:13 – How one painful moment can quietly expand into a verdict about your entire relationship 9:52 – What to do (and what not to do) when resentment starts building up 11:02 – What it looks and sounds like when both partners engage in repairing conflict and misunderstandings 15:47 – What your resentment toward your partner is trying to tell you Mentioned In Resentment Is the Silent Killer of Sexual Desire Rise to Intimacy Free 30-Minute Consult Leave a rating and review
You can orgasm just fine on your own. So why does it feel almost impossible with a partner in the room? If this is something you've quietly wrestled with, you're not the only one. Research shows about 58% of women find orgasm easier through masturbation than partnered sex, and the same pattern shows up for men. This has very little to do with your body's capability and almost everything to do with what's happening in your mind and your nervous system when someone else is in the sexual space with you. The moment another person enters the equation, your brain shifts gears. You go from being in your body to being in your head. You start monitoring, analyzing, bracing for the thing you're afraid of, and that internal noise drowns out the very signals your body needs to build arousal and reach orgasm. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast , I explain why your body can orgasm on its own but shut down the moment a partner enters the picture. I walk through the most common barriers I see in my practice, including performance pressure, body image, shame, and trauma, and share five research-backed strategies you can start using today. You'll learn what your body is asking for when orgasm feels out of reach, and what it actually needs to feel safe enough to let go.2:22 – The well-researched phenomenon that’s silently hijacking your arousal during sex with a partner 5:26 – The cycle that starts with one bad experience and can quietly reshape how you approach every sexual encounter that comes after it 8:39 – The most common barriers that prevent people from reaching orgasm with a partner 13:09 – Cycle-breaking strategy #1: Directed masturbation and how to translate those cues to your lover 15:22 – Strategy #2: Mindfulness intervention and what it actually looks like during sex 17:03 – Strategy #3: How to regulate your nervous system before and during sex so your body can prioritize pleasure, not survival 18:48 – Strategy #4: The Sensate Focus process that takes the "target" of orgasm off the table and treats a wide range of sexual difficulties 20:49 – Strategy #5: How to lean into your desire, attraction, and connection to your partner Mentioned In Why You Can Orgasm Alone But Not With Your Partner Rise to Intimacy Free 30-Minute Consult Leave a rating and review
You've been in a sexless relationship for months, maybe years, and you have no idea where to begin to find your way back. You've read the books. You know what you're supposed to do differently. But nothing changes, and you can't help how you feel. What you're up against isn't a communication problem. It's a pattern that started in your mind long before it showed up in the bedroom, and it's now running on autopilot. The thoughts you have about your partner create chemical reactions in your body, those reactions become emotions, and those emotions drive the behaviors that keep the cycle going. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast , I walk through the neuroscience of why these patterns become so automatic in a sexless relationship and why waiting to address them makes them harder to change. I explain how cognitive behavioral therapy, neuroplasticity research, and the thinking-feeling loop all point to the same conclusion about how relational patterns get built and broken. You'll learn what's happening in your nervous system when you and your partner repeat the same fight, and three things you can start practicing today to begin interrupting the cycle. 2:59 – The specific cognitive pattern that does more damage to relationship satisfaction than the conflict itself 5:52 – The biochemical loop that makes rejection feel like your baseline reality 8:29 – How mindfulness practices help you shift your internal state before engaging with an angry partner 11:22 – Why will alone isn't enough to break the cycle and how just 30 seconds can physically alter your brain 13:28 – What the data shows about waiting years to address the constantly repeating patterns that’ve led to your sexless relationship 16:00 – Three practical steps you can start today to interrupt the cycle from the inside out Mentioned In Sexless Relationships Get Worse the Longer You Wait Fixing a Sexless Relationship Starts with Emotional Regulation How to Stop the Pursue Withdraw Cycle Without Blame What Actually Happens in Sex Therapy? The Neuroscience of Goals and Behavior Change Rise to Intimacy Free 30-Minute Consult Leave a rating and review
You're talking to your partner, and they glance at their phone or sigh at the wrong moment, and suddenly your whole body tenses up. Maybe you start yelling, or you shut down and want to get out of the room. Later, you're lying in bed replaying it, wondering why your partner triggers you so easily, or worse, whether you're the problem for reacting the way you did. You're not the problem, and this isn't about the sigh. When your partner triggers you, your nervous system is responding to something much older than the moment in front of you. Romantic relationships activate your attachment system more than any other relationship in your life, which is why the person you love the most often has a direct line to your oldest wounds. The closer you get to someone, the more those old patterns come to the surface. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast , I talk about why your partner seems to trigger you more than anyone else in your life and what you can actually do about it. I share real examples from my practice, the science of why old wounds resurface in close relationships, and five steps you can start practicing when you feel yourself getting pulled into the cycle. Getting triggered in your relationship isn't a sign that something's wrong with you or with your partner. It's a sign that something inside you is ready to heal. 00:52 – Why a small moment can create a reaction that feels much bigger than the situation itself 2:20 – How childhood experiences quietly shape your expectations for relationships in adulthood 4:27 – The psychological phenomenon that draws you toward partners who mirror your early caregivers 5:25 – How couples can get locked into repeating cycles without realizing they are responding to old patterns 9:40 – Five steps to break the cycle of reacting to old wounds when trying to connect with your partner 14:25 – What being triggered by the person you love most means about you and your relationship Mentioned In Why Your Partner Triggers You More Than Anyone Else The Body Keeps the Score by Dr. Bessel van der Kolk Dr. Joe Dispenza An Introduction to Interpersonal Neurobiology | Dr. Dan Siegel The Neurosequential Network | Bruce D. Perry, M.D., Ph.D. Rise to Intimacy Free 30-Minute Consult Leave a rating and review
What Jealousy in Polyamory Is Actually Trying to Tell You
Polyamory often gets framed as a mindset shift, a philosophical reimagining of love, freedom, and connection. But your nervous system doesn't care about your philosophy. It just knows your partner is with someone else, and your chest is tight, and your stomach is turning. Jealousy in polyamory doesn't mean you chose the wrong structure or the wrong partner. It means you're human. The question isn't whether jealousy shows up — it will — but whether you have the skills to work with it instead of react from it. Because without those skills, even the most thoughtful relationship agreements start to crack. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast , I walk through what the research actually says about jealousy in polyamorous relationships, why emotional regulation is the skill that determines whether non-monogamy works for you, and how compersion develops, not as a personality trait, but as something that grows when the relational environment is safe. I also share real examples from my practice and practical tools you can use, including for the moments when your partner isn't available to co-regulate with you. 1:53 – What emotional regulation is, and what research says about it and polyamory 4:33 – Comparison to emotional regulation in monogamous relationships 5:59 – Why emotional regulation is a relational skill, not just an individual one 7:59 – How jealousy can become useful information that leads to a deeper understanding between partners 11:49 – Other benefits of practicing nervous system regulation in polyamorous relationships 14:53 – Four consequences of not building and cultivating emotional regulation within this relationship structure 19:27 – Five practical tips for building your nervous system regulation skills Mentioned In What Jealousy in Polyamory Is Actually Trying to Tell You Polyamory and Non-Monogamy: What a Sex Therapist Wants You to Know Communication in Polyamorous Relationships Is Never a One-Time Event Rise to Intimacy Free 30-Minute Consult Leave a rating and review
Communication in Polyamorous Relationships Is Never a One-Time Event
You may have had one big conversation about opening your relationship and assumed that was enough. Or you haven't been able to have the first one yet because you don't know how to start without derailing it before it goes anywhere. Either way, communication in polyamorous relationships is where things most often break down, and it's rarely because people aren't willing to talk. What feels okay to agree to in theory doesn't always hold once you're living it. Agreements that made sense six months ago stop fitting, and jealousy, when it shows up, needs its own conversation rather than being pushed through or explained away. If you're not in the habit of returning to these conversations, resentment starts building in the gap between what you said you were okay with and what you're actually experiencing. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast , I walk through what communication in a polyamorous relationship actually has to look like. I cover the specific conversations about structure, expectations, and jealousy that need to happen more than once, the fear that stops people before they even begin, and what I've seen in my practice when these conversations happen well and when they don't. 0:55 – Why this episode applies to monogamous couples too 2:57 – What effective communication in a polyamorous relationship actually requires 4:08 – What happens when couples assume they're on the same page and stop checking in 4:58 – Jealousy, compersion, and what to do when your nervous system signals a threat 6:08 – The fear that stops people before the first conversation begins 8:20 – What to get clear on before you try to have the conversation 8:53 – Two clinical examples of what it costs when these conversations don't happen 11:04 – What Valerie learned from her own time practicing polyamory 12:29 – Questions to work through with your partner when considering polyamory 16:20 – Why emotional regulation is the prerequisite for every hard conversation Mentioned In Communication in Polyamorous Relationships Is Never a One-Time Event Polyamory and Non-Monogamy: What a Sex Therapist Wants You to Know Rise to Intimacy Free 30-Minute Consult Leave a rating and review
Polyamory and Non-Monogamy: What a Sex Therapist Wants You to Know
Non-monogamy is no longer a fringe idea. It's showing up on dating apps, in therapy rooms, in late-night Google searches, and inside long-term relationships that look completely fine from the outside. But curiosity alone isn't enough to navigate it well. The choice to open a relationship matters far less than the skills you bring into it, and the quality of your conversations will shape everything that follows. If you or your partner have been thinking about this, or if the conversation has already started, this episode is not a pitch for or against any relationship structure. It's an honest look at what non-monogamous relationships actually require, and why opening a relationship that's already struggling almost never fixes it. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast , I walk through how polyamory, ethical non-monogamy, and open relationships actually function, what the latest research says about satisfaction and commitment, and the emotional labor these structures demand. I also share what I've seen in my practice when couples navigate this well and when it causes further damage, and I name the assumptions that most reliably lead to failure. 1:31 – The difference between polyamory and open relationships 5:16 – Two main polyamory structures and research-backed findings about non-monogamous relationships that might surprise you 9:52 – Examples of successful and non-successful polyamorous relationships I’ve seen in my practice 13:12 – Five core motivations behind why people genuinely pursue polyamory 16:30 – Four common myths that prevent people from choosing non‑monogamy or polyamory 21:48 – Four assumptions that often lead to failure for couples considering these types of relationships 25:00 – The conversation that matters more than the decision itself Mentioned In Polyamory and Non-Monogamy: What a Sex Therapist Wants You to Know “Countering the Monogamy-Superiority Myth: A Meta-Analysis of the Differences in Relationship Satisfaction and Sexual Satisfaction as a Function of Relationship Orientation” | The Journal of Sex Research Rise to Intimacy Free 30-Minute Consult Leave a rating and review
How Healthy Couples Stay Connected While Others Drift
The honeymoon phase is over, and real life has taken its place. When routines settle in, the stress piles up, and the spark no longer feels automatic, it’s common to wonder if something has gone wrong. But healthy relationships aren’t conflict-free, and healthy love isn’t accidental; it’s a practice. From validating your partner before you try to fix the problem to creating novelty on purpose, there is a roadmap for building a connection that is resilient rather than reactive. Whether you feel distant, stuck in recurring arguments, or simply want to protect the life you’ve built, you can learn to cultivate intimacy with intention. You don't have to settle for a "comfortable numbness" where your only time together is spent sitting in silence across from one another. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast , I break down the foundational elements that separate couples who drift apart from those who deepen their connection over time. I reveal how ingredients like emotional safety, friendship, conflict repair, and sexual well-being form the backbone of lasting intimacy. I also discuss how to apply the RISE model to look beneath the surface of your conflicts and rebuild real connection. 00:53 – Why conflict itself is not the red flag most couples think it is 2:35 – What emotionally safe couples do differently during hard conversations 4:25 – How validation can calm disconnection before solutions are even discussed 5:56 – One thing that most of us do when our partner upsets or triggers us 7:57 – The overlooked friendship factor that predicts long-term satisfaction 10:33 – Why most recurring fights are not actually about the topic on the surface 14:29 – The impact of working as a team when under stress, instead of each person dealing with it alone 15:42 – How novelty can reignite connection after the honeymoon phase in your relationship ends 17:20 – The difference between independence that strengthens a bond and control that weakens it 19:24 – Why sexual well-being reflects far more than frequency 20:18 – Who couples therapy is for and the model I developed and use to teach foundational relationship skills Mentioned In How Healthy Couples Stay Connected While Others Drift Rise to Intimacy Free 30-Minute Consult Leave a rating and review
Why Great Long-Term Relationships Still Struggle With Sex
You’re still in love with your partner and committed to a fulfilling life together, yet something feels off. The chemistry that once felt effortless now feels unpredictable or absent. You care deeply for each other, but you are completely out of sync sexually. If you’ve ever wondered why sex feels so hard when the rest of the relationship is fine, it isn’t necessarily a sign that you’re failing. It’s more likely a sign that stress, emotional disconnection, or old conditioning are quietly shaping your desire. When this tension lingers, sex starts to feel loaded. You might find yourself making excuses, feeling pressured, or waiting to want sex the way you used to. Attraction becomes something you analyze instead of something you feel, and you may begin to interpret a lack of desire as a personal rejection. Meanwhile, routines take over, the same old scripts repeat, and the emotional safety you need to feel open begins to erode. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast , I reveal what is actually happening beneath the surface when desire becomes mismatched in long-term relationships. I explore how the mental load, trauma, and toxic cultural messaging impact your connection. You’ll learn the vital difference between spontaneous and responsive desire, why feeling "seen" is a prerequisite for arousal, and how you can begin rewriting your sexual script to find that spark again. 1:33 – Why fluctuating desire is often a signal for conversation rather than a sign of failure 4:27 – The hidden impact of stress, mental load, and survival mode on erotic energy 5:58 – The difference between spontaneous desire and responsive desire, and why it matters 7:55 – Emotional connection as a prerequisite for physical intimacy for many partners 10:07 – Why asking “What does emotional connection mean to you?” changes everything 12:21 – The powerful role of social, cultural, and religious conditioning in shaping desire 15:42 – How shame around pleasure can quietly suppress sexual expression 18:21 – Trauma’s influence on agency, boundaries, and sexual safety 20:10 – Practical shifts that help couples reconnect without pressure or performance Mentioned In Why Great Long-Term Relationships Still Struggle With Sex Rise to Intimacy Rise to Intimacy Free 30-Minute Consult Leave a rating and review
