Pleasure Uprising: Desire, Attachment, and the Sex You Actually Want
Published by Laura Jurgens, Ph.D.
Health & Fitness
Sexuality
Mental Health
Formerly The Desire Gap Podcast Most people who feel disconnected from their desire, their pleasure, or their partners have spent years assuming something is wrong with them. It isn't. The disconnection is real — but it traces back to what most of us were never taught: how to be in our bodies fully, how to connect to each other authentically, how to know and ask for what we need without guilt or shame. Culture shapes that — the broader culture we inherit, and the family we grew up in — and it can be unlearned. Pleasure, secure attachment, and authentic desire are your birthright. You can learn what you were never taught — and unlearn what got in the way. Dr. Laura Jurgens is a somatic sex and intimacy specialist, Master Certified Intimacy Coach, American Board of Sexology Certified Sex Educator, and former research professor whose work sits at the intersection of nervous system science, attachment theory, and genuine embodied pleasure. Every episode delivers the somatic, body-based tools that generic relationship advice and most therapists miss entirely — because desire, pleasure, and connection aren't fixed by talking more. They're fixed by giving your body and your nervous system reparative experiences that shift you out of your past. This show covers: getting out of your head during sex · low libido and what actually helps · somatic and nervous system approaches to intimacy · desire discrepancy and mismatched libido · secure attachment and relationship repair · sexual shame and body disconnection · how to talk about sex without fighting · ADHD and desire · the orgasm gap and why it exists · reclaiming pleasure on your own terms. Whether you've tried therapy, books, date nights, or just quietly wondering why intimacy feels harder than it should — this show will help you understand why those things don't move the needle — and what does. New episodes weekly. Start wherever you are. Free resource: Get Out of Your Head — A Starter Guide to Releasing the Pressure, Shame, and "Shoulds" Around Intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com/guide Wheel of Erotic Emotions: https;//laurajurgens.com/wheel For deeper analysis and the research behind desire, arousal, and attachment -- plus a chance to ask me questions, subscribe to my Substack here: https://laurajurgens.substack.com/
The Dependency Wound: When Care Was Never Something You Could Count On
One partner wants sex constantly and can't understand why they're being refused. The other has quietly stopped wanting it at all and feels like they're constantly being pestered. Most people assume these two have opposite problems. Often times, they don't. They have the same challenge underneath, but they are coping in different ways. We're going beyond the standard "anxious or avoidant" here. Most of us learned early on whether care was something we could count on, and when the answer was unreliable, we did what smart, adaptive human children do: we picked a coping strategy and got very good at it. There are two main choices children make — pursue harder, or stop needing. Those two roads lead to very different adults, very different ways of existing in relationships, and very specific erotic desires. This episode will help you understand the challenges, drawbacks, opportunities, and desires that come from each path, and how to work with those to have better connections, easier relationships, and a more satisfying sex life. This is episode three of the attachment wounds and erotic emotions series, and the second one on specific wounds. In this episode: Where the dependency wound comes from, including causes that have nothing to do with bad parenting and everything to do with circumstances that made consistent attunement hard The two survival strategies it creates, and what each one actually feels like from the inside Why the under-dependent's deepest erotic craving is often identical to the over-dependent's, just buried under years of pretending it isn't there How both patterns land on a partner, in and out of bed Why over-dependents and under-dependents are drawn to each other, and why that match can go sideways fast What movement actually looks like for each, including the single most important thing an under-dependent can do before they quietly shut someone out for good Your needs are real. Both sides of this wound are just different ways of coping with the same early experience, and you can learn to count on care being there. Topics: dependency wound, attachment wound, anxious avoidant attachment, my partner never wants sex, sex feels like obligation, mismatched libido couples, desire discrepancy, over-dependent, under-dependent, erotic emotions, somatic sex coach, intimacy coach Asheville Send Laura Fan Mail Get my free guide: Get Out of Your Head: A Starter Guide to Releasing the Pressure, Shame, and "Shoulds" Around Intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com/guide More links: Substack at https://laurajurgens.substack.com/ Wheel of Erotic emotions, go to: https://laurajurgens.com/wheel Copyright notice: All content in this podcast is copyrighted and copying, scraping, data mining, or using the content to train AI is prohibited.
Body Shame and Your Sex Life: It's Not Your Fault, and Only You Can Fix It
Body shame is pervasive, especially for women but increasingly for everyone, and it gets in the way of much more than how we feel in a swimsuit. It gets in the way of presence, pleasure, and our capacity for real connection. This is the first episode in a series I'm doing on body shame. If you've ever been so in your head about how you look that you couldn't stay present with a partner, or with yourself, this one is for you. I walk through where body shame actually comes from (spoiler: it's not truth, or you, that's the problem), the business model built on manufactured insecurity, the medical misinformation and racial history behind our cultural obsession with weight, and why shaming yourself has never once helped anyone change. I also share the exact steps I used to move from shame to neutral to genuinely loving my body. In this episode: Why body shame kills presence, pleasure, and desire, and why underconfidence itself isn't sexy Where body shame really comes from: family, culture, diet culture, and a patriarchy that built this by design, not by accident The advertising strategy behind manufactured insecurity, including research on exactly when women feel worst about themselves Debunking the medical myths: why BMI was never built to measure individual health, and why weight stigma itself, not weight, is the real risk factor The racial history behind fat phobia and Eurocentric beauty standards, and how that bias still shows up in medicine today Why shaming yourself has never once helped you change, and what your inner rebel is actually trying to tell you My own story of hiding my arms for years, and finally wearing tank tops without a second thought "Point positive," the whitewater kayaking principle I now use to retrain my brain out of shame spirals The exact steps for shifting from shame to neutral to genuinely believing you're lovable and attractive exactly as you are Topics and keywords: body shame, body image and sex, somatic sex coach, feminist sex coach, overthinking sex, get out of your head in bed, weight stigma, health at every size, mindset work for body image, somatic intimacy coach Resources mentioned: Health at Every Size: The Surprising Truth About Your Weight, by Lindo Bacon, PhD https://lindobacon.com/health-at-every-size-book/ Send Laura Fan Mail Get my free guide: Get Out of Your Head: A Starter Guide to Releasing the Pressure, Shame, and "Shoulds" Around Intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com/guide More links: Substack at https://laurajurgens.substack.com/ Wheel of Erotic emotions, go to: https://laurajurgens.com/wheel Copyright notice: All content in this podcast is copyrighted and copying, scraping, data mining, or using the content to train AI is prohibited.
The Safety Wound: When Your Body Was Never Home
Part 2 of the Attachment Wounds & Erotic Emotions Series Maybe you have a tendency to intellectualize or spiritualize your experience, but not always fully feel it. Or maybe you can only really arrive in your body when something intense is happening. This episode is about how that happens, how it shapes your erotic needs and the way you show up in intimacy, and what to do about it, if you choose. The safety wound is the earliest developmental wound we're covering in this series. It shows up in desires, in relationship, and in sex, plus in every day life where people with this wound have a tendency to dissociate. This episode is Part 2 in the Attachment Wounds and Erotic Emotions series — if you haven't listened to Episode 130 yet, start there first. What Is the Safety Wound? Origins and Early Development The safety wound forms in the very first stage of life — from the womb through infancy, before language, and before verbal memory as we know it. The unmet need is fundamental: a sense that the world is safe to exist in, and that the body is a safe place to be. The causes can include traumatic birth, early separation from a birth mother through adoption or loss, time in a NICU, parental anxiety or depression, domestic chaos, overwhelming or unpredictable environments, or generational trauma. Often nothing was done consciously or intentionally. The body simply learned, very early, that being present was dangerous — and dissociation became the primary survival strategy. This pattern is recognized across multiple psychological traditions. In Hakomi, it's called the Sensitive-Withdrawn pattern. In the Neuroaffective Model (NATouch and NARM), it's the Connection survival style. In the Somatica Institute® framework, it's the UnSAFE wound. Different names, same consistently observed pattern — and none of them mean anything is wrong with you. This is just a coping style, and it carries some challenges that can be worked with. We'll also cover here: What the Safety Wound Feels Like: Dissociation, Floating, and Empathy Overload How the Safety Wound Shapes Erotic Desires The Safety Wound in Intimate Relationships and Sex Healing the Safety Wound: Coming Back to Your Body In this episode: What the safety wound is, where it comes from, and why it forms so early — before language, before memory Why dissociation here is a brilliant survival adaptation, not a pathology — and how I recognized it in my own experience How this wound is named across Hakomi, NARM, and the Somatica Institute® framework — and why the older Freudian label is worth leaving behind What the safety wound feels like from the inside: the floating quality, the empathy overload, the pull toward intellectualizing and spiritual bypassing — and the deep current of pain, fear, or rage that often lives underneath How the safety wound shapes erotic desire through two pathways: resolution (craving calm, merged, held, contained, seen) and repetition with agency (craving intensity, edge, risk, primal) Why craving dangerous or intense experiences in a chosen context makes complete sense for this wound — and why felt safety is still the prerequisite, even for the edgy stuff What the safety wound looks like in relationships: the connection that arrives and quietly disappears, and what partners tend to experience in bed What healing looks like for this wound — embodiment first — and why somatic work is more relevant here than therapy or spirituality alone Companion resource for this series: The Wheel of Erotic Emotions → laurajurgens.com/wheel Topics: safety wound, attachment wound, dissociation and intimacy, dissociation and desire, not in your body during sex, childhood trauma and sexuality, somatic sex coach, somatic intimacy coach, intimacy coach, erotic emotions, erotic desires, attachment and desire, childhood wounds relationships, sensitive withdrawn attachment, connection survival style, attachment, healing dissociation, embodiment and desire, feminist sex coach Send Laura Fan Mail Get my free guide: Get Out of Your Head: A Starter Guide to Releasing the Pressure, Shame, and "Shoulds" Around Intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com/guide More links: Substack at https://laurajurgens.substack.com/ Wheel of Erotic emotions, go to: https://laurajurgens.com/wheel Copyright notice: All content in this podcast is copyrighted and copying, scraping, data mining, or using the content to train AI is prohibited.
Beyond Anxious and Avoidant: Here's What's Actually Driving Your Desires
That thing that turns you on but you've never quite been able to explain? Or the relationship dynamic you keep recreating? Those aren't random. And they aren't fully explained by your attachment style. This is the introduction episode for a series on attachment wounds and erotic desires. Before we get into the specific wound patterns, I'm laying the foundation — what attachment styles actually are, where they fall short, and how to understand attachment patterns beyond the standard (avoidant, anxious, disorganized or secure) boxes. We'll talk about how our childhood experiences and specific attachment wounds tend to lead to specific turn-ons. Plus, why that's good news and will help you de-shame your desires. In this episode: Why attachment styles are learned habits, not personality traits or life sentences How your attachment response shifts depending on who you're with, how they communicate, and the specific felt safety of that relationship Why the anxious/avoidant label doesn't capture the full picture — and what the deeper wounds underneath those patterns actually are A preview of the five developmental wounds this series explores: safety, dependency, trust, autonomy, and worth The core skills that underlie secure attachment — and why they're learnable, not fixed traits reserved for people who had easier childhoods How early unmet needs shape not just your relational patterns but your specific erotic desires — and why that connection makes complete sense once you see it Companion resource for this series: Dr. R. Chris Fraley's attachment quiz at yourpersonality.net/relstructures/ — the most useful tool I've found for understanding your patterns in the context of specific relationships, not just in the abstract The Wheel of Erotic Emotions — a visual map of common erotic emotions organized by category → laurajurgens.com/wheel Topics: attachment styles and desire, anxious avoidant attachment, attachment wounds, childhood wounds and relationships, secure attachment skills, erotic desires, intimacy coach, somatic intimacy coach, feminist sex coach, attachment theory explained, attachment styles and sex life, desire and intimacy, how to become securely attached Send Laura Fan Mail Get my free guide: Get Out of Your Head: A Starter Guide to Releasing the Pressure, Shame, and "Shoulds" Around Intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com/guide More links: Substack at https://laurajurgens.substack.com/ Wheel of Erotic emotions, go to: https://laurajurgens.com/wheel Copyright notice: All content in this podcast is copyrighted and copying, scraping, data mining, or using the content to train AI is prohibited.
What Makes a Great Lover? Research Shows It's These 8 Traits
If you're searching for how to be a better lover, chances are you're encountering a lot of opinions that aren't rooted in fact. Most of us absorbed a version of what makes a great lover without ever being taught it — from movies, porn, romance novels, and a culture that never corrects those images with reality. The result is a subconscious checklist that includes perfect technique, the right body, spontaneous chemistry, and orgasms that look like movie scenes. And most of us are quietly measuring ourselves and our partners against it. Here's what the research actually says: none of that is what separates great lovers from everyone else. Dr. Peggy Kleinplatz at the University of Ottawa spent years interviewing people having what she calls magnificent sex — the largest in-depth study of its kind — and what they described looks almost nothing like what we've been taught to aspire to. The traits that actually made the difference are learnable. And almost nobody is talking about them. In this episode: The cultural myths most of us are still measuring ourselves against — and why they're not just unhelpful, they're actively in the way All eight traits Dr. Kleinplatz found in people having truly magnificent sex, and what each one actually means in practice Why the cure for low desire isn't more desire for the sex you're already having — it's more desirable sex The book referenced in this episode is Magnificent Sex by Peggy Kleinplatz: https://www.routledge.com/Magnificent-Sex-Lessons-from-Extraordinary-Lovers/Kleinplatz-Menard/p/book/9780367181376 Topics: what makes a great lover, magnificent sex research, low desire, low libido, somatic sex coach, intimacy coach, feminist sex coach, embodiment, erotic intimacy, sexual communication, be a better lover Send Laura Fan Mail Get my free guide: Get Out of Your Head: A Starter Guide to Releasing the Pressure, Shame, and "Shoulds" Around Intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com/guide More links: Substack at https://laurajurgens.substack.com/ Wheel of Erotic emotions, go to: https://laurajurgens.com/wheel Copyright notice: All content in this podcast is copyrighted and copying, scraping, data mining, or using the content to train AI is prohibited.
When Parenting Your Partner is Killing Your Desire
You love your partner. You're pretty sure you're still attracted to them. So why does your body say no — and why does it feel so connected to the fact that you've reminded them three times this week to do one thing? It is connected. The slow creep of feeling like your partner's parent is one of the most consistent desire-killers I see in my practice. In this episode I'm breaking down the three forms it takes, where each one comes from, and what actually moves the needle — whether you're the one carrying the household or the one wondering why your partner never wants sex anymore. In this episode: The three patterns I see most: chore-based parenting, "good-boy syndrome," and anxiety-based reassurance-seeking — and how to recognize which one you're in Why your nervous system cannot be in caretaking mode and erotic mode at the same time, and why wanting to want your partner isn't enough to override that The flip side: why the person in the "child role" often has high desire and gets stuck in a loop they can't see from the inside Where this comes from — work-life balance issues, patriarchy and male learned helplessness on one end; the developmental roots of not being able to self-soothe on the other Why the frustrated-complaints approach keeps not working — and what I've seen actually work instead What moving out of this dynamic looks like, depending on which side of it you're on Topics: parenting your partner, desire killer, low libido, not attracted to partner, emotional labor, mental load, resentment and desire, nervous system and sex drive, somatic intimacy coach, intimacy coach, relationship coach, male learned helplessness, self-soothing, attachment anxiety Send Laura Fan Mail Get my free guide: Get Out of Your Head: A Starter Guide to Releasing the Pressure, Shame, and "Shoulds" Around Intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com/guide More links: Substack at https://laurajurgens.substack.com/ Wheel of Erotic emotions, go to: https://laurajurgens.com/wheel Copyright notice: All content in this podcast is copyrighted and copying, scraping, data mining, or using the content to train AI is prohibited.
Even Light Power Play Needs a Negotiation (Here's How to Make It Sexy)
Most people who are experimenting with power play and BDSM aren't doing anything extreme. They're just two people who trust each other, trying to "spice it up." But skipping the negotiation conversation because it feels like it has to be a mood killer is a rookie move that can lead to real problems. I'm not talking bruises here, I'm talking about emotional distance, shut down, and loss of libido. This episode is built around a real couple — smart, communicative, good at relationships — who did years of power play without ever having a proper negotiation conversation, because they both assumed that trusting each other was enough. It wasn't. The fallout was a sexless relationship, nervous system shutdown, and a lot of hurt that took real work to untangle. I want to help you avoid that entirely. Whether you're using restraints, doing impact, or just soft-topping: the negotiation is the first scene. Done right, it's not a clipboard and a liability waiver — it's where the anticipation starts, where you find out what your partner actually wants, where you start co-creating something that's going to be really, really good. This episode is about how to do that. In this episode: Why smart, aware people keep skipping BDSM negotiation — and what it actually costs them What subspace is, why your prefrontal cortex goes offline in it, and why that means the bottom has to be an architect of the negotiation, not a passenger The real difference between topping/bottoming and dom/sub dynamics (and why accidentally agreeing to the wrong one causes relationship problems) How to make the negotiation desire-forward, not just limit-focused — starting with how you want to feel, who you want to be, and what energy from a partner opens you up Why aftercare isn't an afterthought, and how to talk about it before you play Where to find real community and credible resources if you want to go deeper Whether you're kink-curious or have been playing for years, this one's worth your time. Resources mentioned: Yes, No, Maybe Lists from various sources (pick your favorite): Babeland: https://www.babeland.com/babe-blog/how-tos/yes-no-maybe/ Bex Caputo: https://www.bextalkssex.com/yes-no-maybe/ Sunny Megatron: https://sunnymegatron.com/consent-sexual-boundaries-yesnomaybe/ Send Laura Fan Mail Get my free guide: Get Out of Your Head: A Starter Guide to Releasing the Pressure, Shame, and "Shoulds" Around Intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com/guide More links: Substack at https://laurajurgens.substack.com/ Wheel of Erotic emotions, go to: https://laurajurgens.com/wheel Copyright notice: All content in this podcast is copyrighted and copying, scraping, data mining, or using the content to train AI is prohibited.
Joy and Pleasure After Sexual Self-Abandonment
Sexual self-abandonment is what happens when we stop having sex for ourselves. We may or may not actually stop having sex -- we might be doing it for someone else. For their desire, on their timeline, their idea of what sex should look like, while our own wants, our own pace, our own boundaries quietly went missing somewhere along the way. That's what this episode is about. How we get there — there are three really common pathways, and I've lived through all three myself — and more importantly, how to find your way back to your own body, your own desires, and your own pleasure. This episode is about hope, and about a door that's still open to you no matter how long you've been on the other side of it. In this episode: The three pathways into sexual self-abandonment — through approval-seeking, through abusive relationships, and through trauma and dissociation — and why they so often overlap Why "sacred sexuality" group spaces can actually be dangerous if you haven't done this work yet The six steps back to yourself, including the grief that's part of the process (and why that grief is a good sign, not a setback) What it actually means to come home to your own body, your own erotic self, and your own yes and no — and why that's the foundation everything else gets built on Topics: sexual self-abandonment, somatic sex coaching, sexual trauma recovery, de-shaming, erotic self, intimacy coach, body-based healing, dissociation, reconnecting with your body, feminist sex coach Send Laura Fan Mail Get my free guide: Get Out of Your Head: A Starter Guide to Releasing the Pressure, Shame, and "Shoulds" Around Intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com/guide More links: Substack at https://laurajurgens.substack.com/ Wheel of Erotic emotions, go to: https://laurajurgens.com/wheel Copyright notice: All content in this podcast is copyrighted and copying, scraping, data mining, or using the content to train AI is prohibited.
What Two Feminist Relationship Coaches See in Heated Rivalry, with Maggie Reyes
It's Pride Month, and I am celebrating with my dear friend and fellow feminist relationship coach Maggie Reyes by doing something I've been wanting to do anyway: sit down and talk about Heated Rivalry — the show, the books, why we love them, and what they actually teach us about real relationships. Beware: There be spoilers ahead, matey. This is a fun one, and it goes deeper than fangirling. Maggie and I both coach on many of the dynamics this show depicts — vulnerability, shame, the cost of hiding your real desires, and what happens when someone finally has the courage to go first. We talk about how we can all learn from this show through that lens. In this episode: Why the closet dynamic in Heated Rivalry is a perfect illustration of how shame works, and how to heal it Turning toward vs. turning away: what Shane and Ilya get right (eventually) and what costs them years What Scott and Kip's relationship models that most couples never figure out Why vulnerability requires someone going first — and how to do it without it backfiring The cottage episode as a masterclass in why time and play matter as much as hard conversations What women's response to this show tells us about desire, representation, and who mainstream sexual culture has never been built for The communication pitfall that we both want to warn you off Maggie Reyes is a master certified life coach, feminist marriage coach, and host of the Marriage Life Coach podcast. Find her at maggiereyes.com . Send Laura Fan Mail Get my free guide: Get Out of Your Head: A Starter Guide to Releasing the Pressure, Shame, and "Shoulds" Around Intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com/guide More links: Substack at https://laurajurgens.substack.com/ Wheel of Erotic emotions, go to: https://laurajurgens.com/wheel Copyright notice: All content in this podcast is copyrighted and copying, scraping, data mining, or using the content to train AI is prohibited.
From Avoiding Sex to Loving It: Real Client Data
If you've been wondering whether your sex life can actually be different, this is the evidence. This episode is like the before and after photos you've been needing that real people get real change. We're going into details about specific goals and what actually changes when people do real, structured work on desire, intimacy, and connection. Not inspiration. Not theory. Real people, real goals, real numbers — tracked from start to finish. In this episode: What people who come to somatic intimacy coaching actually say they want — and how many have already tried therapy, books, and everything else Why going from a 1 to an 8 in fulfillment on "fun, enjoyable sex" in six months is possible even when you've never been there before How desire discrepancy works when both partners get support — and why it's never just one person's problem What shifts for higher-desire partners who struggle with self-worth Why coaching moves the needle when other approaches haven't — and what the Pleasure Path Method actually looks like step by step Send Laura Fan Mail Get my free guide: Get Out of Your Head: A Starter Guide to Releasing the Pressure, Shame, and "Shoulds" Around Intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com/guide More links: Substack at https://laurajurgens.substack.com/ Wheel of Erotic emotions, go to: https://laurajurgens.com/wheel Copyright notice: All content in this podcast is copyrighted and copying, scraping, data mining, or using the content to train AI is prohibited.
The Last Place High Achievers Give Themselves Permission
You've solved harder problems than this. So why is this one still stuck? This episode is for the high achievers who have done real work on themselves — the therapy, the books, the hard conversations — and still can't get traction when it comes to desire, intimacy, and their closest relationships. It's not because you haven't tried hard enough. It's because you've been using the wrong tools for the wrong system. In this episode: Why capable, self-sufficient people are often the last to get help with intimacy — and why that costs them the most The cultural lie that you're supposed to just know how to do sex and relationships (and why it makes zero sense) Top-down vs. body-up: why cognitive tools and talk therapy can't reach what's actually stuck Why "trying harder" and "knowing more" can fool you into thinking they'll eventually work for everything What somatic, body-based work actually reaches — and what changes when you find the right tool for the real problem Topics: high achievers, intimacy, somatic sex coaching, low libido, desire, nervous system, body shame, sex therapy, intimacy coach, relationship help Send Laura Fan Mail Get my free guide: Get Out of Your Head: A Starter Guide to Releasing the Pressure, Shame, and "Shoulds" Around Intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com/guide More links: Substack at https://laurajurgens.substack.com/ Wheel of Erotic emotions, go to: https://laurajurgens.com/wheel Copyright notice: All content in this podcast is copyrighted and copying, scraping, data mining, or using the content to train AI is prohibited.
Coming Home to Your Body: What Sexual Embodiment Actually Feels Like
Most people who feel disconnected from their desire, their body, or their partner aren't broken. They're just exiled — from themselves. And nobody ever taught them the way back. This episode is about what it actually feels like when you find it. The felt sense of coming home to your own body's sexuality — as a resource, a grounding force, and the place from which real confidence, real connection, and real intimacy become possible. I was skeptical this even existed. Then my teacher demonstrated it on me with nothing but eye contact — and my body responded before my brain could catch up. In this episode: What sexual energy actually is — grounded, demystified, no woo required Why most of us have it locked away (and what that actually feels like from the inside) The breathwork and mind-body practice that opened it up for me — and how I now use it with clients What becomes possible from this place: confidence, connection, intensity, and desire that doesn't require performance Why this isn't something you have to earn or learn from scratch — you already have it A note on group settings, charismatic facilitators, and who this actually belongs to (you) If you've ever felt like you were performing intimacy instead of inhabiting it — this one's for you. Send Laura Fan Mail Get my free guide: Get Out of Your Head: A Starter Guide to Releasing the Pressure, Shame, and "Shoulds" Around Intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com/guide More links: Substack at https://laurajurgens.substack.com/ Wheel of Erotic emotions, go to: https://laurajurgens.com/wheel Copyright notice: All content in this podcast is copyrighted and copying, scraping, data mining, or using the content to train AI is prohibited.
The Cult Dynamics Hiding Inside "Sacred Sexuality" Spaces — with Anke Richter
You don't have to join a compound to end up in a high-control group. Sometimes it starts with a neo-tantra festival. A weekend workshop. A community that feels like finally, finally, you found your people. Anke Richter is an international cult journalist, author of the bestseller Cult Trip (HarperCollins), and founder of Decult — the first cult awareness conference in Australasia. She spent six years inside ISTA (International School of Temple Arts) before becoming one of its most informed critics. She's also researched Centrepoint, Osho/Rajneeshpuram, and OneTaste firsthand. This is Part 2 of a series. Start with the previous episode "The Men Behind Sexual Polarity Have A Lot to Answer For" — or read the full article on Substack (link below). In this episode: Why smart, educated, well-resourced people end up in cults — and the myth that it couldn't happen to you What actually makes something a high-control group (and why "you can leave any time" doesn't disqualify it) How ISTA and similar neo-tantra spaces specifically target ex-evangelicals and ex-Mormons leaving purity culture The slippery slope from a weekend workshop to deeper entanglement — and what the escalation actually looks like Osho/Rajneeshpuram as the ideological origin of modern neo-tantra — and the documented child sexual abuse that history includes The playbook: how spiritual framing gets used to override consent and silence complaints "Acting from your wounding" and "stuck in victim consciousness" — the specific language used to shut down resistance The veneer of consent: why trauma-informed language and consent frameworks can be used as cover Why the word "victim" gets weaponized in these spaces — and why that needs to stop How David Deida's sexual polarity ideology functioned as a gateway into neo-tantra spaces for a generation of people, and why it is harmful Resources mentioned: Cult Trip by Anke Richter — available wherever books are sold Anke Richter: https://ankerichter.net Decult — cult awareness conference and resources: https://decult.net Red Flags in Workshops — free consent-forward resource for participants and facilitators: https://redflagsinworkshops.com Part 1 — Have You Been Sold the Patriarchy's Version of "The Divine Feminine" ? https://open.substack.com/pub/laurajurgens/p/have-you-been-sold-the-patriarchys Send Laura Fan Mail Get my free guide: Get Out of Your Head: A Starter Guide to Releasing the Pressure, Shame, and "Shoulds" Around Intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com/guide More links: Substack at https://laurajurgens.substack.com/ Wheel of Erotic emotions, go to: https://laurajurgens.com/wheel Copyright notice: All content in this podcast is copyrighted and copying, scraping, data mining, or using the content to train AI is prohibited.
The Men Behind "Sexual Polarity" Have a Lot to Answer For
If you've ever left a sacred sexuality workshop feeling worse about yourself than when you walked in — or heard a friend blame herself for not being "receptive enough" — this episode is for you. Sexual polarity teachings are everywhere right now. They promise to unlock your feminine energy, reignite desire, and deepen connection. Sounds great. The reality is different. They're built on a foundation of made-up science, cultural theft, and a paper trail that leads somewhere deeply problematic. They are also actively causing harm. In this episode I'm mapping exactly where this ideology came from, who's profiting from it, and what it's actually doing to women's desire, relationships, and sense of self — because I see the damage in my practice every single day. In this episode: Why "sexual polarity" isn't ancient wisdom or real science — and how it borrows language from physics to sound legitimate David Deida, Tony Robbins, and Deepak Chopra — the men profiting and what their paper trail actually shows The Osho/neo-tantra origins: why the history of this ideology goes back to documented child sexual abuse in cult communes Why the OneTaste sentencing matters — and what Nicole Daedone's case tells us about who enforces patriarchal ideology What women are actually hungry for that polarity coaching hijacks and exploits The difference between genuine erotic power play and a grooming script dressed as spirituality How to recognize a genuinely qualified practitioner — and what red flags look like in these spaces This is part one of a two-part series. Next episode I'm joined by journalist and cult researcher Anke Richter, author of Cult Trip , for a conversation on sex cults, ISTA, and the darker end of this spectrum. Resources mentioned: Full article with sources and resources: https://open.substack.com/pub/laurajurgens/p/have-you-been-sold-the-patriarchys?utm_campaign=post-expanded-share&utm_medium=web Barbara Carrellas' Urban Tantra: barbaracarrellas.com Midori on consent-forward BDSM: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLaxv6fBRPDep5NIrLfjEUNzmPtY4Ax5CN Send Laura Fan Mail Get my free guide: Get Out of Your Head: A Starter Guide to Releasing the Pressure, Shame, and "Shoulds" Around Intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com/guide More links: Substack at https://laurajurgens.substack.com/ Wheel of Erotic emotions, go to: https://laurajurgens.com/wheel Copyright notice: All content in this podcast is copyrighted and copying, scraping, data mining, or using the content to train AI is prohibited.
Why Therapy Hasn't Fixed Your Sex Life (and What Actually Does)
You've done the work. Real work. Therapy, couples counseling, the conversations, the books. You understand yourself better than you ever have — and you still feel the same way in your body. That's not a sign you're beyond help. It's a sign you've been using the wrong tools. This episode explains why the things most people reach for — talk therapy, mindset work, even good communication — don't reach desire and embodied intimacy, and what kind of support actually does. Whether you're partnered or not, high-desire or low — if you want a more satisfying sex life, this episode is for you. In this episode: When therapy is genuinely valuable — and what it wasn't designed to do Why mindset work and self-talk can't override a nervous system pattern What somatic therapy does well and where even that hits a limit Why your doctor's answer probably wasn't the right one What body-based, future-facing work actually looks like Why I wish you wouldn't give up on your sex life before trying the right tool Send Laura Fan Mail Get my free guide: Get Out of Your Head: A Starter Guide to Releasing the Pressure, Shame, and "Shoulds" Around Intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com/guide More links: Substack at https://laurajurgens.substack.com/ Wheel of Erotic emotions, go to: https://laurajurgens.com/wheel Copyright notice: All content in this podcast is copyrighted and copying, scraping, data mining, or using the content to train AI is prohibited.
Low Libido Isn't a Mindset Problem: Why You Can't Think Your Way to Desire
If you've been trying to figure out how to want sex more and nothing is working — this episode is going to explain why. And it's probably not the answer you've heard before. A lot of people struggling with low desire or low libido have already done the reading. They understand the concepts. Their body still hasn't gotten the memo. That's not a character flaw. It's the wrong sequence. In this episode, I cover: Why desire and arousal are not the same thing — and why the order they happen in matters more than most people realize What responsive desire actually is, what the research says (including Rosemary Basson's work on how desire really works for most women), and why the model in most medical textbooks is wrong What your nervous system has to do with low desire — and why this is the piece that's almost always missing from mainstream advice How cultural conditioning and shame get wired into the body at a level that thinking simply can't reach Where your mind actually does help with desire — and what most people are doing with it instead that's actively working against them If you've read the books, done the therapy, and you still feel stuck in your head, this one is for you. Resources mentioned: Episode 5 (core desires and erotic emotions) | Free guide: Get Out of Your Head at laurajurgens.com/guide | Substack: laurajurgens.substack.com Send Laura Fan Mail Get my free guide: Get Out of Your Head: A Starter Guide to Releasing the Pressure, Shame, and "Shoulds" Around Intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com/guide More links: Substack at https://laurajurgens.substack.com/ Wheel of Erotic emotions, go to: https://laurajurgens.com/wheel Copyright notice: All content in this podcast is copyrighted and copying, scraping, data mining, or using the content to train AI is prohibited.
Sexual Shame: Why We All Have It and How to Give It Back
Most people carry sexual shame so quietly and for so long that it starts to feel like a character trait rather than something that was handed to them. It isn't. Every flavor of shame — about wanting too much, too little, taking too long, not taking long enough, about your body, your history, your desires, your "low libido" — came from somewhere specific. And that somewhere is not you. In this episode, I go through the full inventory of sexual shame I see in my somatic intimacy coaching practice, explain exactly where it came from (the culture, not your character), and go deeper into why shame lives in the body and nervous system — not just the mind — and what that means for how you actually release it. This is about a somatic, body-based approach to understanding and releasing sexual shame — and it goes where most intimacy advice, and even therapy, doesn't. In this episode, you'll learn: The most common sexual shames — about desire, low libido, body image, sexual anxiety, sexual confidence, and what it takes to orgasm — and why every single one makes complete sense given the culture we inherited Why shame is stored in the nervous system and body as implicit memory — and why thinking or talking your way out of it rarely works What shame actually does behaviorally — why it makes you hide, avoid, and stay quiet, which is the opposite of what heals it Why speaking your shame to someone who stays in full somatic connection with you is the most powerful antidote — and why that's so hard to find on your own What somatic healing of sexual shame actually looks like in practice — and how it differs from traditional therapy or mindset work My own shame story — the things I carried for years without knowing I was carrying them, and what shifted when I stopped trying to think my way through it The culture handed you this shame. You don't have to keep carrying it — but getting free of it requires more than understanding it. This episode is where that starts. Send Laura Fan Mail Get my free guide: Get Out of Your Head: A Starter Guide to Releasing the Pressure, Shame, and "Shoulds" Around Intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com/guide More links: Substack at https://laurajurgens.substack.com/ Wheel of Erotic emotions, go to: https://laurajurgens.com/wheel Copyright notice: All content in this podcast is copyrighted and copying, scraping, data mining, or using the content to train AI is prohibited.
Pleasure Uprising: Why Culture Owes You an Apology
Have you ever followed the "right" advice and ended up further from yourself? That's what this episode is about — and it's also why we're now Pleasure Uprising: Desire, Attachment, and the Sex You Actually Want . The evolution of this show mirrors what happens in my practice all the time: when you stop trying to fit yourself into the frame someone else handed you, something truer emerges. In this episode: What the desire gap framing got right, what it missed, and what the shift reveals Why the disconnection most people feel from pleasure and desire is fundamentally a cultural problem, not just a personal one The full scope of what we're doing here: somatic and nervous-system-based work, secure attachment, and creating the most pleasurable relationships possible Why trusting your own experiment — over conventional wisdom — is the foundation of real desire and genuine connection If you're curious about what's possible when you stop performing and start pursuing your own pleasure, desire, and genuine connection, you're in the right place. Send Laura Fan Mail Get my free guide: Get Out of Your Head: A Starter Guide to Releasing the Pressure, Shame, and "Shoulds" Around Intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com/guide More links: Substack at https://laurajurgens.substack.com/ Wheel of Erotic emotions, go to: https://laurajurgens.com/wheel Copyright notice: All content in this podcast is copyrighted and copying, scraping, data mining, or using the content to train AI is prohibited.
Confident, not controlling: what "take charge in bed" actually means
When a woman asks a male partner to "be more assertive in bed," those words are typically landing differently than she intends — and differently than he's hearing them. This is a gendered language problem, and it's causing real confusion, frustration, and disappointment in real relationships. There is a real vocabulary mismatch about "dominance" and "assertiveness" rooted in how men and women are socialized differently as children around anger, aggression, and sexuality — and once you see it, you can't unsee it. In this episode, you'll learn: Why "assertive" and "dominant" mean different things depending on how you were socialized — and why that gap is doing damage The five things women typically mean when they ask for more assertiveness in bed — for women who want to understand how to ask more effectively, and for the partners trying to meet it Why aggression shuts desire down at the nervous system level — and what works instead What "attuned confidence" actually means and how to build it What the masculine/feminine polarity content getting popular right now is actually teaching — and why it's harming real libidos Simple scripts for both of you: how to say what you actually mean, and how to ask what your partner actually means Most couples are having the wrong conversation about this. This episode gives you the right one. Send Laura Fan Mail Get my free guide: Get Out of Your Head: A Starter Guide to Releasing the Pressure, Shame, and "Shoulds" Around Intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com/guide More links: Substack at https://laurajurgens.substack.com/ Wheel of Erotic emotions, go to: https://laurajurgens.com/wheel Copyright notice: All content in this podcast is copyrighted and copying, scraping, data mining, or using the content to train AI is prohibited.
Why you don't want the honeymoon phase back (and what's actually better)
You've heard it a thousand times: " keep the spark alive, get back to how it used to be, recreate that honeymoon phase magic." But what if that's the wrong goal entirely? Here's what nobody tells you: the honeymoon phase was a drug state — literally. A neurochemical cocktail of dopamine, norepinephrine, and nerve growth factor that made you want constantly, but didn't actually deliver the goods. Research shows that only 49% of women climax in new or casual encounters, compared to 70% in long-term committed relationships. You were having more sex, more urgently — and less actual satisfaction. In this episode, I unpack the neuroscience of New Relationship Energy (NRE), why it was never meant to last, and — most importantly — what becomes available on the other side of it when you build intentionally. Spoiler: it's not a consolation prize. It's deep satisfaction that a honeymoon phase literally cannot give you. You'll learn: What's actually happening in your brain and body during the "honeymoon phase" of NRE (and how serotonin actually drops) Why the NRE fade is completion, not failure What long-term desire offers that new relationships never can — being truly known, a partner who has learned your actual erotic makeup, and trust built through rupture and repair (if you do the work to build it) Why "trying harder" doesn't work — and what actually changes the pattern The new research showing that desire for novelty and desire for deep commitment aren't opposites This episode ends with a guided future visualization to help you focus forward. If you've been trying to go backward, this episode will turn you around. Send Laura Fan Mail Get my free guide: Get Out of Your Head: A Starter Guide to Releasing the Pressure, Shame, and "Shoulds" Around Intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com/guide More links: Substack at https://laurajurgens.substack.com/ Wheel of Erotic emotions, go to: https://laurajurgens.com/wheel Copyright notice: All content in this podcast is copyrighted and copying, scraping, data mining, or using the content to train AI is prohibited.
