TOP SELF | Tips on Jealousy and Insecurity in Relationships

In this episode of Top Self, Shanenn sits down with physician and author Dr. Frank Spinelli to talk about shame, why it can become so deeply tied to jealousy and insecurity, and how one triggering moment can quickly turn into a spiral. You get triggered. You check the phone, withdraw, accuse, react, or do something you later regret. Then comes the second layer: “Why did I do that?” “What’s wrong with me?” “Why am I like this?” That’s where shame can take over. Dr. Spinelli explains the difference between guilt and shame, why old wounds can shape the way we interpret what is happening in the present, and how the voice in our head can become the most damaging part of the cycle. He also shares the framework behind his book, The Shame Compass: A Radical Framework for Trauma Healing and Self-Acceptance , and explains why shame may not be something we simply “get over.” Instead, it can become information that helps us understand what is being activated, where it may be coming from, and how we can respond differently. Key Moments • The difference between guilt and shame • Why shame can become a belief about who you are, not just something you did • How past trauma and painful experiences can get replayed in present relationships • Why the voice in your head can become an unreliable narrator • The difference between having a thought and treating that thought as a fact • Why practicing the pause outside of triggering moments can help you respond differently when emotions are high • How shame can turn jealousy into a loop of checking, reacting, judging yourself, and repeating the behavior • Why the most damaging part of the spiral may be what you tell yourself after the trigger • The COMPASS framework and how Dr. Spinelli uses it to help people understand shame • Why acceptance does not mean excusing, minimizing, or pretending something didn’t happen • How core values can help you understand when shame is pointing to something that feels out of alignment • The areas where women often experience shame, including body image, motherhood, fertility, sexuality, aging, career ambition, and relationship status Golden Episode Nuggets 💎 Guilt says, “I did something wrong.” Shame says, “I am wrong.” 💎 A thought is not automatically a fact just because it showed up in your mind. 💎 The trigger may start the reaction, but shame can keep the cycle going. 💎 The story you tell yourself after you react can be more damaging than the reaction itself. 💎 Practicing the pause when you are calm makes it easier to access when you are triggered. 💎 Sometimes we bring old wounds into current relationships and unconsciously try to get a different ending. 💎 Shame does not always need to disappear before you can move forward. 💎 Shame can be information about what is being activated, what story you are telling yourself, and what needs your attention. About Our Guest Dr. Frank Spinelli is a physician, author, speaker, and advocate whose work explores trauma, shame, addiction, and emotional health. Drawing from both his professional experience and his personal history as a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, Dr. Spinelli developed the COMPASS framework to help people better understand and navigate shame. His book, The Shame Compass: A Radical Framework for Trauma Healing and Self-Acceptance , explores how shame can be recognized, understood, and used as information rather than treated as proof that something is fundamentally wrong with you. Schedule your FREE Discovery Cal l to see how I can help. Check us out on YouTube and make sure to subscribe Grab the 5 Must-Haves To Overcome Jealousy Disclaimer The information on this podcast or any platform affiliated with Top Self LLC, or the Top Self podcast is for informational and entertainment purposes only. No material associated with Top Self podcast is intended to be a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment, Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care provider with any questions you may have regarding your condition or treatment and before taking on or performing any of the activities or suggestions discussed on the podcast or website.

Purchase Daniels Book - Hard Feelings: Finding the Wisdom in Our Darkest Emotions In this episode of Top Self, Shanenn sits down with psychotherapist and New York Times bestselling author Daniel Smith to explore a question most of us never stop to ask: What if the emotions you're trying hardest to get rid of are actually trying to help you? Whether it's jealousy, shame, envy, regret, or anxiety, many of us spend our lives chasing relief—seeking reassurance, distracting ourselves, or trying to think our way out of uncomfortable feelings. But according to Daniel, our darkest emotions aren't problems to eliminate. They're messengers carrying important information about who we are, what we fear, and what needs our attention. Together, Shanenn and Daniel talk about why self-criticism often causes more damage than the original emotion, how shame keeps us trapped in painful cycles, and why curiosity may be one of the most powerful tools for healing. If you've ever wondered why you keep having the same emotional reactions despite knowing "better," this conversation is for you. Golden Episode Nuggets: 💎 Emotions are messengers, not enemies 💎 The feeling itself is rarely the problem—our resistance to it often is 💎 Shame says "there's something wrong with me," not simply "I did something wrong" 💎 Self-hatred is not an effective strategy for personal growth 💎 Curiosity creates space where judgment creates suffering 💎 Understanding yourself is often more powerful than trying to fix yourself 💎 The goal isn't to never feel difficult emotions again—it's to relate to them differently About Our Guest: Daniel Smith is a psychotherapist, journalist, and New York Times bestselling author of Monkey Mind. His latest book, Hard Feelings: Finding the Wisdom in Our Darkest Emotions, explores emotions such as shame, envy, regret, despair, and annoyance—revealing how these often-misunderstood feelings can become powerful sources of self-understanding and growth. Through personal stories, psychological insight, and cultural exploration, Daniel challenges the idea that difficult emotions should simply be eliminated and instead invites us to learn from them. Resources Mentioned: Hard Feelings: Finding the Wisdom in Our Darkest Emotions by Daniel Smith Monkey Mind by Daniel Smith The Buddhist Parable of the Second Arrow Quote of the Episode: "Emotions don't come because they're trying to attack us. Emotions come because they have meaning and because they have purpose." – Daniel Smith Key Moments: • 2:00 – Why our desperate search for emotional relief often backfires • 5:00 – The Buddhist "Second Arrow" and how we create unnecessary suffering • 9:00 – Why understanding the "why" behind your feelings isn't always enough • 12:00 – The difference between shame and guilt • 16:00 – How curiosity can reduce emotional suffering • 21:00 – Why talking about shame weakens its grip • 24:00 – The hidden ways regret helps us avoid the present • 33:00 – Why shame may be the most painful emotion of all • 38:00 – How childhood experiences shape our emotional patterns as adults Schedule your FREE Discovery Cal l to see how I can help. Check us out on YouTube and make sure to subscribe Grab the 5 Must-Haves To Overcome Jealousy Disclaimer The information on this podcast or any platform affiliated with Top Self LLC, or the Top Self podcast is for informational and entertainment purposes only. No material associated with Top Self podcast is intended to be a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment, Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care provider with any questions you may have regarding your condition or treatment and before taking on or performing any of the activities or suggestions discussed on the podcast or website.

You messed up. You spiraled. You said something you wish you could take back. And now you feel terrible — which actually means you're doing something right. Feeling bad after a jealous episode is healthy. It means you care. But there's a difference between feeling bad and living there. And if you're someone who stays in the spiral for hours, days, or even weeks after a jealous episode — replaying it, shutting down, telling yourself you're broken and unlovable — this episode is for you. Because here's what that extended spiral is actually costing you. It's not just making you miserable. It's reinforcing the belief that jealousy is who you are. It's keeping the incident alive in your relationship long after it should be over. And it's exhausting your partner in ways you might not even realize. Today Shanenn introduces the Pity Timer — a simple, deliberate tool for feeling your feelings fully without letting them swallow the next three days of your life. This isn't about stuffing it down or pretending it didn't happen. It's about giving your guilt its time, and then making a choice to move forward. In this episode: Why staying in the spiral actually reinforces jealous behavior What your partner experiences when you're still "off" days later Why moving on fast doesn't mean you don't care How to use the Pity Timer to actually close the loop What to do when the spiral tries to come back 00:00 Stop Letting the Spiral Run Your Life 02:14 How the Spiral Builds a Case Against You 05:19 How Your Guilt Is Hurting Your Partner 08:01 Why You Can't Just Stop Feeling Bad 10:29 How to Use the Pity Timer 13:02 What to Do During the Window 14:37 When the Timer Goes Off Schedule your FREE Discovery Cal l to see how I can help. Check us out on YouTube and make sure to subscribe Grab the 5 Must-Haves To Overcome Jealousy Disclaimer The information on this podcast or any platform affiliated with Top Self LLC, or the Top Self podcast is for informational and entertainment purposes only. No material associated with Top Self podcast is intended to be a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment, Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care provider with any questions you may have regarding your condition or treatment and before taking on or performing any of the activities or suggestions discussed on the podcast or website.

You knew you were wrong the second he flipped that phone around. Nothing suspicious. Just a bacon recipe. And somehow you were still annoyed at him. That feeling has a name — and once you understand it, you can’t unsee it. You’ve done the spiral. You built the whole case in your head. And then the truth came out and it was… a bacon recipe. You know you were wrong. They know you were wrong. And somehow you’re still a little irritated at them. This episode is about that moment — the one most people blow right past. Shanenn breaks down the shame-anger switch, why relief doesn’t always show up when it should, and how to actually recover without making it worse. Golden Episode Nuggets: 💎 Your jealous brain doesn’t file ambiguity as neutral — it skips straight to the most threatening interpretation 💎 Relief doesn’t always show up when you’re proven wrong — sometimes you get a stomach drop instead 💎 Guilt says “I did something bad.” Shame says “I am bad.” Those lead to very different places. 💎 That flicker of anger toward your innocent partner? It’s shame looking for an exit — not really about them at all 💎 A real apology doesn’t need a “because” attached to it Resources Mentioned: 30 Days to Different — Shanenn’s program for breaking jealousy and insecurity patterns Schedule your FREE Discovery Cal l to see how I can help. Check us out on YouTube and make sure to subscribe Grab the 5 Must-Haves To Overcome Jealousy Disclaimer The information on this podcast or any platform affiliated with Top Self LLC, or the Top Self podcast is for informational and entertainment purposes only. No material associated with Top Self podcast is intended to be a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment, Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care provider with any questions you may have regarding your condition or treatment and before taking on or performing any of the activities or suggestions discussed on the podcast or website.

You’re Already Living the Worst Case Scenario What if the thing you’re most afraid of happening would actually hurt less than what you’re putting yourself through right now? It sounds hard to believe—but there’s real research behind it. In this solo episode, Shanenn digs into why the jealous spiral itself is the worst-case scenario—not the thing you’re afraid of. You’re not waiting for the bad thing to happen. You’re already in it. From Harvard psychologist Daniel Gilbert’s Impact Bias to the neuroscience of naming your fear, this episode is packed with science-backed insight and a simple 3-step tool (the Fog Lift) to help you stop the loop. Golden Episode Nuggets: 💎 You’re not waiting for the bad thing to happen. You are already in it. 💎 Vague fear gives you all the pain and none of the tools your brain would normally use to deal with it. 💎 The psychological immune system only activates for real events—the spiral has no off-ramp. 💎 Naming your specific fear literally shifts brain activity from reactive to regulated. 💎 The spiral has no arc, no end. It takes exactly as much as you give it. 💎 It’s all the cost and none of the outcome. Resources Mentioned: · Matthew Lieberman’s UCLA research – “Name it to tame it” (affect labeling and the amygdala) · Dan Siegel – Clinical professor at UCLA, coined “name it to tame it” · Top Self on YouTube – Subscribe and watch the show there Quote of the Episode: “You’re not waiting for the bad thing to happen. You are already in it.” – Shanenn Bryant Leave a Review: 📝 Have you ever realized the spiral was costing you more than the thing you were afraid of? Leave a review and tell us - what’s one thing that shifted for you after listening? Schedule your FREE Discovery Cal l to see how I can help. Check us out on YouTube and make sure to subscribe Grab the 5 Must-Haves To Overcome Jealousy Disclaimer The information on this podcast or any platform affiliated with Top Self LLC, or the Top Self podcast is for informational and entertainment purposes only. No material associated with Top Self podcast is intended to be a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment, Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care provider with any questions you may have regarding your condition or treatment and before taking on or performing any of the activities or suggestions discussed on the podcast or website.

You know that voice in your head—the one that takes a missed text or a sideways glance and turns it into a full-blown crisis? That's your What If Machine, and it's been running the show for way too long. In this episode, Shanenn breaks down why your brain defaults to worst-case scenarios, where those fear stories actually come from (spoiler: it's usually not your current partner), and how those protective instincts end up creating the exact outcome you're terrified of. She also walks you through a 5-step Evidence Check framework you can use the next time your brain tries to convince you that everything is falling apart—so you can figure out if you're dealing with a real red flag or just old fear wearing a new outfit. Golden Nuggets: 💡 Your brain's What If Machine isn't trying to ruin your relationship—it's running a protection program written long before this relationship existed. 💡 Vague fear is the most powerful kind. Once you name it, it gets smaller. 💡 In the absence of clear evidence, you're choosing an explanation—and if you consistently choose the scariest one, that's not logic, that's fear driving. 💡 Preparing for the worst doesn't protect you from the pain. It just means you experience the loss twice. 💡 Sometimes the What If Machine isn't protecting you from your partner—it's protecting you from hope. Resources Mentioned: Episode 8 – Ashley Greer: Is This My Fear or Intuition? The Power of ONE (Open to New Evidence/Explanations) The 5-Step Evidence Check Framework Quote of the Episode: "Sometimes the scariest thing isn't the relationship falling apart. Sometimes the scariest thing is letting yourself fully trust it, fully relax into it, fully believe you're loved." — Shanenn Bryant Perfect for listeners who: Wake up spiraling for no reason and can't turn it off Know their jealousy is irrational but can't stop the loop Have pushed a partner away with checking, testing, or accusations Want a practical tool to use in the moment (not just "calm down") Are trying to figure out if their fear is instinct or old wounds talking If this episode hit home, share it with someone who needs to hear it. And leave a review and let us know—what's one what if that's been running your relationship that you're ready to question? Schedule your FREE Discovery Cal l to see how I can help. Check us out on YouTube and make sure to subscribe Grab the 5 Must-Haves To Overcome Jealousy Disclaimer The information on this podcast or any platform affiliated with Top Self LLC, or the Top Self podcast is for informational and entertainment purposes only. No material associated with Top Self podcast is intended to be a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment, Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care provider with any questions you may have regarding your condition or treatment and before taking on or performing any of the activities or suggestions discussed on the podcast or website.

We're on YouTube - Join us there. In this episode of Top Self, Shanenn explores one of the most confusing and isolating experiences for anyone who struggles with jealousy: watching a secure person stay completely calm in a situation that would send you into a spiral. Starting with a vivid poolside story that will feel painfully relatable, Shanenn breaks down why secure people aren’t blind to what’s happening around them—they just don’t assign the same meaning to it. She explains how your brain builds stories based on its existing “library” of past experiences, fears, and beliefs about yourself, and why that library is the real difference between jealousy and security. Plus, she introduces a powerful new tool—the Meaning Audit—three simple questions you can use to interrupt the spiral and start thinking like the secure person you’re becoming. Golden Episode Nuggets: 💎 Secure people see the same things you do—they just don’t assign the same meaning to them 💎 Your brain is a meaning-making machine and it pulls from your existing library of fears, wounds, and beliefs 💎 True security comes from trusting yourself to handle whatever comes, not from guaranteeing your partner will never hurt you 💎 The spiral isn’t about the photo or the party, it’s about the fear underneath 💎 Security isn’t a personality trait. It’s a skill, and it’s learnable Quote of the Episode: “Your jealousy is not the enemy. It’s been trying to protect you from the things that scared you the most. But at some point, that protection has become a prison. And you deserve to be free.” – Shanenn Bryant 📝 Leave a review and let us know—what’s one meaning you’ve caught yourself assigning that turned out to be wrong? Schedule your FREE Discovery Cal l to see how I can help. Check us out on YouTube and make sure to subscribe Grab the 5 Must-Haves To Overcome Jealousy Disclaimer The information on this podcast or any platform affiliated with Top Self LLC, or the Top Self podcast is for informational and entertainment purposes only. No material associated with Top Self podcast is intended to be a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment, Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care provider with any questions you may have regarding your condition or treatment and before taking on or performing any of the activities or suggestions discussed on the podcast or website.

Enroll Today for 30 Days to Different Does your relationship feel… quieter lately? The butterflies are gone. The texts are shorter. Affection feels different. And now your brain is spiraling: Did they lose interest? Is this my fault? Is the spark gone? In this episode of Top Self , Shanenn breaks down what’s actually happening when the intensity fades in a long-term relationship — especially if you struggle with jealousy, insecurity, or fear of abandonment. You’ll learn why early love feels intoxicating, why that high is biologically designed to fade, and why the loss of “spark” doesn’t mean loss of love. For many anxious or jealous partners, this phase is when insecurity spikes — not because the relationship is failing, but because the nervous system is finally no longer distracted. This episode will help you stop catastrophizing calm, understand your attachment system, and learn how to build security without needing constant reassurance. Key Moments • 1:00 – The questions everyone asks when the spark fades • 2:20 – Why early love feels addictive (and why it can’t last) • 7:00 – The shift from dopamine to oxytocin explained simply • 10:00 – Why calm love can trigger anxiety and jealousy • 13:30 – How hypervigilance replaces excitement • 17:50 – Why jealousy often peaks after commitment • 22:00 – When “boring” is actually emotional safety • 25:00 – Why leaving too soon repeats the same cycle • 27:20 – Stop chasing the spark — start building inner security Golden Episode Nuggets 💎 The spark fading is a biological transition , not a red flag 💎 Early love distracts you from insecurity — it doesn’t heal it 💎 Calm can feel unsafe if your nervous system learned love through chaos 💎 Jealousy often increases when things stabilize 💎 You don’t need more reassurance — you need more internal safety Resources Mentioned • 30 Days to Different – Learn how to regulate your nervous system, rebuild emotional safety, and stop spiraling in your relationship Schedule your FREE Discovery Cal l to see how I can help. Check us out on YouTube and make sure to subscribe Grab the 5 Must-Haves To Overcome Jealousy Disclaimer The information on this podcast or any platform affiliated with Top Self LLC, or the Top Self podcast is for informational and entertainment purposes only. No material associated with Top Self podcast is intended to be a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment, Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care provider with any questions you may have regarding your condition or treatment and before taking on or performing any of the activities or suggestions discussed on the podcast or website.

🦋. 30 Days to Different is starting soon - ENROLL TODAY Insecurity doesn’t always scream. Sometimes, it whispers lies that keep us stuck. In this solo episode, Shanenn unpacks the three most convincing lies insecurity tells you—and why they feel so real even when they’re not. Whether it’s the urge to check their phone, overanalyze tone, or control every detail in your relationship… this episode will help you finally understand what’s really driving that behavior and how to stop reacting from fear. This one is for the insecure person who’s exhausted from bracing for betrayal and ready to come home to herself. 🧠 WHAT YOU'LL LEARN: ✔️ Why “staying alert” doesn’t actually protect you ✔️ How strong emotions can lie to you ✔️ Why control is a false sense of peace ✔️ The one mindset shift that rewires your inner safety ✔️ How to respond to triggers without spiraling 🔥 GOLDEN EPISODE NUGGETS: 💎 You can’t out-alert life—but you can trust that you’ll handle what comes 💎 Feeling something intensely doesn’t make it true 💎 Control doesn’t create safety—it creates stress 💎 Trust is built by showing yourself you can survive discomfort 💎 You’ve handled hard things before. You can handle this too ⏰ TIMESTAMPS: [00:00] A PB&J story that shows how deep-rooted patterns shape us [05:45] Why insecurity feels like your identity [07:37] Lie #1: “If I don’t stay alert, I’ll get hurt” [13:21] Why hypervigilance robs you of peace [18:23] Lie #2: “If I feel this strongly, it must be true” [24:59] How emotional urgency leads to overreaction [31:16] Lie #3: “If I control more, I’ll finally feel secure” [36:30] The truth: You don’t need more control—you need more trust [39:04] Final reframe to anchor self-trust 🧭 RESOURCES & LINKS: 🎯 30 Days to Different – Registration Now Open! Ready to stop spiraling and start self-trusting? Join Shanenn’s daily support container to process emotions without the panic. → JOIN NOW 📝 LEAVE A REVIEW: If this episode gave you a truthbomb or breakthrough, would you leave a review? It helps other women find these tools too. 💬 What’s a lie insecurity has told you? Drop it in your review or DM Shanenn on Instagram @topselfco Schedule your FREE Discovery Cal l to see how I can help. Check us out on YouTube and make sure to subscribe Grab the 5 Must-Haves To Overcome Jealousy Disclaimer The information on this podcast or any platform affiliated with Top Self LLC, or the Top Self podcast is for informational and entertainment purposes only. No material associated with Top Self podcast is intended to be a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment, Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care provider with any questions you may have regarding your condition or treatment and before taking on or performing any of the activities or suggestions discussed on the podcast or website.

If you’ve ever felt stuck in a mental loop, replaying conversations, spiraling into insecurity, or feeling something is wrong but you can’t quite name it—this episode is for you. In this episode of Top Self , Shanenn sits down with Annette Furio , founder of Season Journals, to talk about how journaling can help you slow down, make sense of your thoughts, and create space between what you feel and how you react. f your brain feels loud or stuck, this episode is about giving those thoughts somewhere to go so you can think more clearly. Together, Shanenn and Annette break down why your brain gets stuck on repeat, how journaling helps close mental loops, and how even five minutes can shift your clarity, emotional regulation, and self-awareness. Golden Episode Nuggets 💎 Your brain keeps looping because thoughts feel unfinished 💎 Writing forces your mind to slow down and complete thoughts 💎 Journaling creates space between emotion and reaction 💎 You don’t need consistency—you need permission to start 💎 Gratitude journaling is one of the fastest ways to shift your mindset Key Moments · 2:00 – Why unfinished thoughts keep looping in your mind · 4:00 – How writing slows your brain and creates emotional space · 6:30 – Why journaling doesn’t have to be daily to work · 9:30 – How journaling helps you spot patterns in jealousy and insecurity · 12:00 – Looking back at old entries to see growth (or stuck points) · 20:45 – The easiest way to journal when you only have five minutes · 24:00 – Why journaling should never feel like another chore About Our Guest Annette Furio is the founder of Season Journals , a brand focused on helping people strengthen their relationship with themselves and others through intentional journaling. Since launching in 2020, Annette has created guided journals for major life seasons—including engagement, marriage, pregnancy, and everyday wellbeing. Her journals are designed to be both keepsakes and tools, helping people document their lives while also working through challenges with clarity and intention. Resources Mentioned Season Journals – Guided Journals for Life’s Seasons Available at seasonjournals.com and on Amazon Quote of the Episode “Journaling puts space between what you feel and how you respond.” – Annette Furio Schedule your FREE Discovery Cal l to see how I can help. Check us out on YouTube and make sure to subscribe Grab the 5 Must-Haves To Overcome Jealousy Disclaimer The information on this podcast or any platform affiliated with Top Self LLC, or the Top Self podcast is for informational and entertainment purposes only. No material associated with Top Self podcast is intended to be a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment, Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care provider with any questions you may have regarding your condition or treatment and before taking on or performing any of the activities or suggestions discussed on the podcast or website.

In this episode of Top Self , Shanenn breaks down a question so many people quietly struggle with—especially this time of year: Why do I feel calm and trusting with my partner sometimes… and anxious, suspicious, or insecure with them at other times—when nothing has actually changed? As the holidays approach and routines shift, old patterns can resurface. Shanenn explains why these emotional swings don’t mean you’re inconsistent, broken, or ignoring red flags. Instead, they’re signals from your nervous system responding to changing conditions—not changing relationship facts. This episode offers a powerful reframe that removes shame, self-blame, and overthinking—and replaces them with clarity, self-trust, and nervous-system awareness so you can stop turning emotions into verdicts about your relationship. Key Moments: 1:45 – Why the holidays can make anxiety spike even in “good” relationships 3:50 – The core truth: calm and anxiety come from your nervous system, not your partner 6:40 – Why feeling calm doesn’t mean you’re “healed” or fixed 9:00 – What’s really happening when you start scanning, spiraling, or overthinking 11:30 – Why emotions are signals of state—not proof of truth 13:45 – The shift that helps anxiety soften without controlling your environment Golden Episode Nuggets: 💎 Calm and anxiety can exist in the same relationship without either one being “the truth” 💎 You didn’t lose trust—you lost nervous system capacity 💎 Emotional states are signals, not verdicts about your relationship 💎 Feeling anxious doesn’t mean something is wrong with you or your partner 💎 Regulation comes from working with your nervous system, not fighting it Quote of the Episode: “Your ability to feel calm, trusting, and connected isn’t created by the person in front of you. It’s created by the state your nervous system is in.” Schedule your FREE Discovery Cal l to see how I can help. Check us out on YouTube and make sure to subscribe Grab the 5 Must-Haves To Overcome Jealousy Disclaimer The information on this podcast or any platform affiliated with Top Self LLC, or the Top Self podcast is for informational and entertainment purposes only. No material associated with Top Self podcast is intended to be a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment, Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care provider with any questions you may have regarding your condition or treatment and before taking on or performing any of the activities or suggestions discussed on the podcast or website.

In this episode of Top Self , Shanenn breaks down why small moments in your relationship can trigger huge emotional reactions. If you’ve ever felt embarrassed by your reaction, overwhelmed by jealousy, or hijacked by anxiety over something that logically felt minor, this episode explains what’s really happening beneath the surface. Shanenn introduces the concept of emotional agility —the ability to feel deeply without losing yourself—and explains why trust, confidence, and security aren’t built by suppressing emotions, but by learning how to stay present with them. This episode offers practical tools to help you stop spiraling, rebuild self-trust, and respond instead of react Golden Episode Nuggets 💎 Your reactions aren’t random—your nervous system is trying to protect you 💎 Feeling deeply is capacity, not a weakness 💎 Trust is built through experience, not reassurance 💎 Naming sensations instead of emotions creates emotional power 💎 Discomfort doesn’t mean danger—nothing has gone wrong 💎 Staying with a feeling builds confidence one moment at a time Key Moments 2:30 – A relatable story about reacting “bigger than the moment” 4:20 – Why your body reacts before your brain can catch up 7:45 – What emotional agility actually means (and what it’s not) 9:00 – Why trust isn’t about your partner—it’s about you 12:10 – The truth about “feeling too much” 16:30 – Why resilience isn’t toughness or pushing through 18:20 – One simple shift that gives you power over emotional spirals 20:30 – Four practical ways to stop getting hijacked by your emotions 24:20 – Reflection questions to build self-trust in real time Schedule your FREE Discovery Cal l to see how I can help. Check us out on YouTube and make sure to subscribe Grab the 5 Must-Haves To Overcome Jealousy Disclaimer The information on this podcast or any platform affiliated with Top Self LLC, or the Top Self podcast is for informational and entertainment purposes only. No material associated with Top Self podcast is intended to be a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment, Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care provider with any questions you may have regarding your condition or treatment and before taking on or performing any of the activities or suggestions discussed on the podcast or website.

If you've ever thought "I'm too much," felt shame around your jealousy, or struggled with feeling "needy" in relationships, this episode will be a relief and a revelation. Shanenn sits down with Trevor Hansen, coach and founder of The Art of Healing, to dismantle the shame loop of anxious attachment and show how it can be transformed into self-trust and secure connection. Trevor shares his raw personal story—from toxic relationships and a broken jaw to leaving a high-powered career at Tesla—and the powerful tools he discovered to move from fear to security. This is a must-listen for anyone stuck in the cycle of over-functioning, people pleasing, or "proving" their worth in love. IN THIS EPISODE, YOU'LL LEARN: Why awareness alone won't heal your insecure attachment How childhood experiences can create a "love gap" that fuels jealousy What emotional reprogramming looks like in practice Why inner child work isn't woo-woo—it's essential A powerful shift from controlling to compassionately curious in relationships GOLDEN NUGGETS: You’re not too much. It’s the behavior that needs support, not your worth. Anxious attachment is just a part of you—not all of you. You can turn your jealousy into a catalyst for deeper connection. Emotional healing > intellectual awareness. When you stop outsourcing your worth, you stop fearing abandonment. GUEST BIO: Trevor Hansen is a relationship coach and the founder of The Art of Healing. After navigating his own journey through anxious attachment and emotional wounding, he now helps individuals break the cycle of fear-based relationships and build secure emotional foundations. His Secure Self Club is transforming lives by helping clients go from insecure to grounded in just months. QUOTE OF THE EPISODE: "You're no longer a problem to be solved, but a person to be loved." PERFECT FOR LISTENERS WHO... Feel shame around their jealousy or emotional needs Struggle with anxious or insecure attachment styles Want to stop overthinking and start feeling secure in love Are tired of outsourcing their peace and self-worth Crave emotional safety, clarity, and confidence in their relationships Loved this episode? Be sure to leave a review and share how you're starting to show up for your inner child. Schedule your FREE Discovery Cal l to see how I can help. Check us out on YouTube and make sure to subscribe Grab the 5 Must-Haves To Overcome Jealousy Disclaimer The information on this podcast or any platform affiliated with Top Self LLC, or the Top Self podcast is for informational and entertainment purposes only. No material associated with Top Self podcast is intended to be a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment, Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care provider with any questions you may have regarding your condition or treatment and before taking on or performing any of the activities or suggestions discussed on the podcast or website.

🦋 Join the experience - enroll in 30 Days to Different today! In this episode of Top Self, Shanenn flips the script on what it means to be “the jealous one” in a relationship—and trust us, you’ll never see your spirals the same again. Ever swear you’re not going to snoop, spiral, or snap... and then do it anyway? That doesn’t mean you’re some controlling jerk. It means you’ve got a genius-level nervous system doing exactly what it was wired to do: keep you safe. This solo episode unpacks the psychology behind jealousy, why it’s not sabotage but stabilization , and how to trade unhealthy patterns for new, empowering ones—without shaming the old you who just wanted to feel safe. Oh, and there’s a German shepherd, a deer, some stargazing, and one mood-ruining poop. You’ve been warned. 💎 Golden Episode Nuggets: Jealousy isn’t sabotage—it’s a stabilizer your nervous system picked to survive pain You don’t need to feel ashamed of your coping strategies—they were genius solutions for impossible circumstances You can teach your body new patterns—because you’ve done it before The most powerful shift isn’t “How do I stop this?” but “What was my system trying to protect me from?” New stabilizers aren’t about perfection—they’re about choosing different 🗝️ Key Moments: 1:10 – Why repeating patterns doesn’t mean you’re failing—it means your body is succeeding at survival 3:40 – What stabilizers are and how they show up as jealousy, control, or overeating 6:20 – Why we don’t pick yoga or the gym as coping tools (hint: your nervous system doesn’t give a damn about kale) 13:20 – How the jealousy loop works and why it feels so hard to break 17:30 – You’re not controlling—you’re a genius at creating predictability 25:00 – The dog poop that ruined a magical moment (and why it matters) 27:00 – What it looks like to pick new, healthy stabilizers and stop suffering silently 28:50 – Introducing: 30 Days to Different , the transformative new experience to rewire your relationship patterns from the inside out 🔥 Want to Go Deeper? 30 Days to Different is officially open for enrollment! If you’re ready to ditch the spiral and actually rewire the patterns of jealousy, this is your moment. ✔ Daily mindset rewires ✔ 6 live Zoom sessions ✔ Nervous system & neuroscience-based tools 🔗 Join now: TopSelf.com or scroll down to the show notes to click the link! 🎧 Perfect for Listeners Who: Feel ashamed or guilty about their jealousy or control habits Want to understand why they keep reacting the same way Are ready to replace old patterns with better ones Need real talk, not perfection talk Want to feel safe instead of just “calm” 💬 Quote of the Episode: “You’re not a jerk. You’re a genius. You built brilliant coping strategies inside a broken ecosystem.” – Shanenn Bryant 📣 Don’t forget! 📺 Subscribe to the Top Self YouTube channel 📅 Enroll in 30 Days to Different today —because different starts now. Let me know if you'd like this formatted for upload to your podcast host (Buzzsprout, Libsyn, etc.), or if you want social media promo captions for this episode next. Schedule your FREE Discovery Cal l to see how I can help. Check us out on YouTube and make sure to subscribe Grab the 5 Must-Haves To Overcome Jealousy Disclaimer The information on this podcast or any platform affiliated with Top Self LLC, or the Top Self podcast is for informational and entertainment purposes only. No material associated with Top Self podcast is intended to be a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment, Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care provider with any questions you may have regarding your condition or treatment and before taking on or performing any of the activities or suggestions discussed on the podcast or website.

Schedule your Discovery Call here In this episode of Top Self, Shanenn dives into one of the most exhausting relationship cycles—when you keep second-guessing your partner, breaking up, getting back together, and wondering if they’re “the one.” The truth? Your confusion isn’t about your partner. It’s about your pattern. If you’ve ever caught yourself analyzing every text, tone, or gesture, or if you’re tired of asking “should I stay or should I go?”, this episode will hit home. Shanenn unpacks how fear, self-doubt, and emotional hot potatoes (yep, you read that right) keep us in chaos—and what to do instead. You’ll learn how to pause the decision, regulate your nervous system, and start building self-trust, so you can finally feel confident in your choices—no matter who you’re with. 💎 Golden Episode Nuggets: You’re not confused about them—you’re disconnected from you. Fear-based decisions aren’t decisions; they’re safety strategies in disguise. If it’s hysterical, it’s historical. You can’t heal what you keep outsourcing. Until you trust yourself, you’ll doubt every relationship—even the right one. 💡 Key Moments: 2:00 – Why your breakup reflex isn’t about your partner—it’s about escaping discomfort 6:45 – The “emotional hot potato” that keeps you stuck in the same patterns 10:25 – Why your feelings might be valid… but not about what’s happening right now 13:20 – The difference between deciding and reacting 17:00 – How to tell the difference between a red flag pattern and a personal trigger 22:37 – Why you don’t have to decide today if your partner is “the one” 30:00 – The 30-day pause: the simple reset that stabilizes your decision-making 33:50 – How to soothe your own nervous system without outsourcing it to your partner 38:00 – The question that changes everything: “What would I choose if I trusted myself to handle any outcome?” ❤️ Quote of the Episode: “Until you trust yourself, you’ll doubt every relationship—even the right one.” 🧠 Resources Mentioned: Free Discovery Call with Shanenn → Schedule Here ✨ Perfect for listeners who: Break up and get back together on repeat Feel anxious, jealous, or unsafe in relationships Want to stop obsessing over every text or tone Are ready to make decisions from confidence, not fear Are tired of repeating the same emotional patterns 🔥 Call to Action: If you’re ready to stop spiraling and start trusting yourself again, book a free discovery call with Shanenn. This is the work she does every day—helping you rebuild from the inside out, so you stop changing partners and start changing your pattern. 🎧 Subscribe, leave a review, and share this episode with a friend who needs to hear: You don’t have to fix your relationship today—you just have to come back to yourself. Schedule your FREE Discovery Cal l to see how I can help. Check us out on YouTube and make sure to subscribe Grab the 5 Must-Haves To Overcome Jealousy Disclaimer The information on this podcast or any platform affiliated with Top Self LLC, or the Top Self podcast is for informational and entertainment purposes only. No material associated with Top Self podcast is intended to be a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment, Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care provider with any questions you may have regarding your condition or treatment and before taking on or performing any of the activities or suggestions discussed on the podcast or website.

Schedule your FREE Discovery Call In this powerful solo episode, Shanenn cracks open a question many of us quietly carry: “If I weren’t jealous… who would I be?” From the deck of a cruise ship years ago to the emotional trenches of everyday hypervigilance, Shanenn walks you through how jealousy feels like its become your identity—and how to begin shedding it. She reveals why your brain clings to jealousy like a job, how it tricks you into thinking you're protecting yourself, and the truth about what control really looks like. If you've ever spiraled over a thong-wearing dancer or found yourself interrogating a partner just to feel safe, this one’s for you. This episode is an invitation to stop playing small, stop playing scared—and remember who you were before jealousy moved in. 💎 Golden Episode Nuggets: Jealousy feels like protection, but it’s just fear in disguise Hypervigilance is a survival strategy, not a love strategy Your brain learned jealousy from chaos—but it’s ready to relearn Without jealousy, you don’t lose love—you get your life back That confident, secure version of you isn’t new. She’s just been waiting 🔑 Key Moments: 1:10 – The cruise ship moment that cracked something open 5:55 – When jealousy becomes a job you never applied for 10:45 – Why control isn’t the same as protection 14:30 – The origin story of your inner security guard 20:40 – Does jealousy actually prevent betrayal—or just exhaust you? 27:00 – What happens to your energy when jealousy leaves the building 36:08 – Why your “security guard” isn’t crazy—just untrained 41:00 – Create your own security protocol 44:50 – The difference between a red flag and a one-off 46:19 – How to become the version of you that trusts again 💖 Perfect for listeners who: Feel like jealousy has hijacked their personality Replay conversations, stalk socials, or analyze texts for clues Want to stop managing a partner’s behavior and start managing their own peace Crave deeper self-trust, emotional regulation, and a life beyond fear Schedule your FREE Discovery Cal l to see how I can help. Check us out on YouTube and make sure to subscribe Grab the 5 Must-Haves To Overcome Jealousy Disclaimer The information on this podcast or any platform affiliated with Top Self LLC, or the Top Self podcast is for informational and entertainment purposes only. No material associated with Top Self podcast is intended to be a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment, Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care provider with any questions you may have regarding your condition or treatment and before taking on or performing any of the activities or suggestions discussed on the podcast or website.

Schedule your FREE 30-Minute Discovery Call here In this episode of Top Self , Shanenn gets real about a silent habit that so many listeners can relate to—but few talk about openly: using alcohol to cope with jealousy, anxiety, and emotional overwhelm in relationships. From the glass of wine that helps you "take the edge off" before date night… to the third drink that leads to a spiral of shame, regret, and disconnection—this episode breaks down what’s really happening when we reach for a drink to manage our feelings. Shanenn explores how alcohol not only numbs the bad stuff, but also disconnects you from your intuition, dulls your emotional clarity, and makes jealousy even harder to navigate. You'll learn practical tools to pause, get curious about your emotions, and build real self-trust—without having to escape into a buzz. This episode isn’t anti-alcohol. It’s pro-you. 💎 Golden Episode Nuggets: You're likely not drinking because you have a drinking problem—you're drinking because no one taught you how to feel your emotions. Alcohol doesn't just numb pain—it numbs joy, intuition, and connection too. Every time you reach for a drink instead of feeling your feelings, you’re teaching your brain you can't handle them. Shame keeps the cycle going; guilt helps you change. Your emotions aren't your enemy. They're your superpower. 🔑 Key Moments: 2:10 – Why alcohol is often used to manage anxiety and jealousy 6:30 – The emotional pattern behind pre-date drinks (and how it backfires) 10:45 – What happens when “buzzed you” says too much 14:30 – The brain science: how alcohol blocks emotional processing 22:00 – Alcohol, anxiety, and why the fire comes back stronger 25:00 – Shame vs. guilt: the emotional cycle that keeps you stuck 28:30 – How using alcohol creates self-abandonment and insecurity 34:00 – The practice of sitting with emotions without numbing 39:20 – 3 questions to ask before you drink 43:00 – How to experiment with alcohol-free moments and collect emotional “data” 🧠 Resources & Coaching Mentioned: 30-Minute Discovery Call with Shanenn – Learn how to break emotional patterns and build self-trust. Book via TopSelf.com Coaching Program: Feel Free Again – For women ready to stop outsourcing emotional regulation to alcohol, anxiety, or partners. Whitehall II Study & Sleep Research – Learn how alcohol disrupts emotional processing during REM sleep. 🗣️ Quote of the Episode: “Every time you choose to be real instead of numb, you’re doing something really brave.” – Shanenn Bryant Schedule your FREE Discovery Cal l to see how I can help. Check us out on YouTube and make sure to subscribe Grab the 5 Must-Haves To Overcome Jealousy Disclaimer The information on this podcast or any platform affiliated with Top Self LLC, or the Top Self podcast is for informational and entertainment purposes only. No material associated with Top Self podcast is intended to be a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment, Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care provider with any questions you may have regarding your condition or treatment and before taking on or performing any of the activities or suggestions discussed on the podcast or website.

Schedule your FREE Discovery Call In this solo episode of Top Self , host Shanenn dives deep into one of the most anxiety-triggering scenarios in relationships: witnessing your partner flirt with someone else. Is it a sign they’re unhappy? Are they secretly interested in someone else? Or…could it mean something entirely different? Drawing from scientific research and her personal journey, Shanenn shares the six core reasons people flirt—and reveals that only one of them is actually about sex . With compassionate insights and a powerful reframe on validation, esteem, and trust, this episode offers a fresh, empowering take on how to handle flirting without spiraling into insecurity. If you've ever felt the sting of jealousy or wanted to understand what flirting really means in a committed relationship, this episode is a must-listen. 💎 Golden Episode Nuggets: Flirting does not always equal sexual or romantic interest. Only 1 out of 6 reasons for flirting involves a desire for sex. Flirting can actually boost relationship satisfaction —not destroy it. Feeling attracted ≠ acting on attraction. The nuance matters. Jealousy is a signal—not a certainty. Trust your gut , not your fear. You can’t be your partner’s only source of validation—and you shouldn’t have to be. 🧠 Key Moments: 2:40 – That sinking feeling when your partner flirts: What’s really going on? 5:00 – The 6 scientific motivations behind flirting—and only one is sexual 10:15 – Why people flirt to boost self-esteem (and why it’s not a threat) 14:30 – The “relationship development” vs. “relationship threat” misunderstanding 18:00 – Do happy partners still crave external validation? Yes—and here’s why that’s okay 23:45 – How jealousy can mislead you into toxic behavior patterns 30:00 – The research-backed truth about fantasy, flirting, and fidelity 38:00 – Shanenn’s real-life jealousy moment (and what it taught her) 42:00 – How to use “The Power of One” to reframe your thoughts around flirting 🧰 Resources & Mentions: The Study: Northern Illinois University research on the 6 motivations for flirting Power of One Exercise: Practice reframing jealousy with one new explanation Schedule your FREE Discovery Cal l to see how I can help. Check us out on YouTube and make sure to subscribe Grab the 5 Must-Haves To Overcome Jealousy Disclaimer The information on this podcast or any platform affiliated with Top Self LLC, or the Top Self podcast is for informational and entertainment purposes only. No material associated with Top Self podcast is intended to be a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment, Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care provider with any questions you may have regarding your condition or treatment and before taking on or performing any of the activities or suggestions discussed on the podcast or website.

Enroll in the Behind Your Jealous Mind Bootcamp starting soon! In this episode of Top Self , Shanenn shares a deeply relatable scenario: it’s 10 p.m., you’re staring at your phone, spiraling over a text that simply says, “Okay, sounds good. Talk to you tomorrow.” If that’s ever sent you into an emotional tailspin, this episode is for you. We explore why relationship insecurity creates an overwhelming urge to process everything out loud—and why your friends might be reaching their limit. Shanenn dives into the neuroscience of emotional regulation , the critical role of co-regulation , and why being understood by someone who “gets it” can feel like a lifeline. You’ll learn why exhausting your friendships isn’t the answer—and how group support like Talk It Out Tuesday and the Behind Your Jealous Mind Bootcamp can offer real change, practical tools, and deep emotional relief. 💎 Golden Episode Nuggets : Criticizing yourself for needing support only deepens the wound. Relationship insecurity is a nervous system issue , not a character flaw. Friends mean well—but they’re not therapists. Group support gets it . Shame thrives in secrecy. But when you share your story with people who truly understand, it loses its power. You are not "too much." You are not broken. You are human . ⏱ Key Moments : 1:30 – That late-night spiral we’ve all had—why your brain won’t let go 6:00 – The neuroscience behind why we have to talk things out 9:30 – Why your friends can't always be your emotional support system 12:00 – How insecurity starts impacting all of your relationships 15:50 – The invisible burnout your friends may be feeling 17:40 – “You’re not broken”—the power of being truly understood 20:00 – Why shame thrives in silence and how to break the cycle 24:30 – Group support vs. going it alone: the real difference 26:40 – How helping others with their insecurity reinforces your own healing 28:30 – Group coaching isn’t exposure—it’s your power move 👩‍🏫 Shanenn Says : "Insecurity is a terrible roommate. It never cleans up its mess and always leaves you drained." 🧰 Resources Mentioned : Behind Your Jealous Mind Bootcamp – A six-week guided experience to rewire your nervous system and build relationship security. [Register here] Talk It Out Tuesday – Free group coaching calls inside the Jealousy Junkie Facebook Group. Join now to get notified of upcoming sessions. Schedule your FREE Discovery Cal l to see how I can help. Check us out on YouTube and make sure to subscribe Grab the 5 Must-Haves To Overcome Jealousy Disclaimer The information on this podcast or any platform affiliated with Top Self LLC, or the Top Self podcast is for informational and entertainment purposes only. No material associated with Top Self podcast is intended to be a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment, Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care provider with any questions you may have regarding your condition or treatment and before taking on or performing any of the activities or suggestions discussed on the podcast or website.

In this episode of Top Self , Shanenn breaks down one of the most common communication traps in relationships: expecting your partner to read your mind . Whether you're silently hoping your partner just knows you need a hug—or you're dropping hints that never land—this episode is your guide to getting what you actually need without spiraling, snapping, or shutting down . From attachment styles to the six human needs, Shanenn explains why asking isn’t needy—it’s necessary —and gives you the exact words to use so your partner can finally show up for you . 💎 Golden Episode Nuggets: 💬 “Asking isn’t needy—it’s necessary.” 🧠 If you don’t say it, your partner is just guessing—and they’ll guess wrong. 🔄 Every time you don’t ask, you reinforce the belief that your needs don’t matter. 💥 Complaints like “you never text me” are often just unspoken needs for connection. 💡 Hint-dropping leads to disappointment. Clear, direct asks lead to connection. ⏰ Key Moments: 1:30 – Why “If they loved me, they’d just know” is a romantic myth 4:10 – How your partner’s brain is wired differently—and what that means for unmet needs 6:45 – What each attachment style sounds like when trying to get their needs met 10:15 – 3 hidden costs of not asking for what you want 13:50 – Shanenn’s hilarious story about trying to “fix” her mom’s venting session 17:10 – The 6 Human Needs and why your priorities may clash with your partner’s 23:20 – What your complaint is really about—and how to find the core need 26:30 – Simple scripts for clearly communicating your needs without guilt 30:00 – Why unmet needs aren’t about being needy—they’re about being unclear 🔗 Resources Mentioned: 📝 Take the Attachment Style Quiz to better understand how you relate to love 💬 Quote of the Episode: “Your needs are like GPS coordinates. Without them, your partner is just driving in circles—hoping to land at the right destination.” 🎯 Perfect for listeners who: Struggle to ask for what they want without guilt Drop hints instead of expressing needs clearly Get frustrated when their partner doesn’t “just know” Want to stop spiraling and start speaking with confidence Are working to create more secure, emotionally honest relationships Schedule your FREE Discovery Cal l to see how I can help. Check us out on YouTube and make sure to subscribe Grab the 5 Must-Haves To Overcome Jealousy Disclaimer The information on this podcast or any platform affiliated with Top Self LLC, or the Top Self podcast is for informational and entertainment purposes only. No material associated with Top Self podcast is intended to be a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment, Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care provider with any questions you may have regarding your condition or treatment and before taking on or performing any of the activities or suggestions discussed on the podcast or website.