The Worst Movie Ever Made

This week, we get into 2002’s The Hot Chick , starring Rob Schneider. He’s afraid to pee his pretty pink little panties, but don’t worry, he’ll lead you to believe that they’re his girlfriend’s panties, because everybody pees in their girlfriend’s panties. We hear you can put your weed in there too. What a fucking tragedy of a movie, but we’d be lying if we didn’t laugh at a few things. Flabbergasting Freaky Friday flipperoo with former funny friend of fatally unfunny franchise, forgetting favorable feedback, floundering through farcical female facsimile, frivolous flirting, fraudulent femininity, frat-boy foolishness, freakish facial expressions, flaccid fart-fueled funnybusiness, forced friendship, fashion faux pas, fornication-adjacent fiascos, fundamentally flawed filmmaking, and a frankly fucking fascinating failure. Clive in his recliner! Rob’s in his grilled kimcheese era! Sandler cameo? Triple dippy dumpster doopie! Billy blowing off the Clive Steam ™! Girl guy gay gags, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made! www.theworstmovieevermade.com

This week, we revisit 1993’s Demolition Man , a movie that we did years ago, and are revisiting again for some reason. We’ve both seen this movie a hundred times, and will probably watch it a hundred more times, and the jury’s still out on whether this one is “bad” or not. Misunderstood satire? Youbetcha. Hunka Chunka with Sandra Bullock? Pass me the Baja Blast, and let’s get frisky, San Angeles style! He felt three shells down by the … nevermind! Terrible terrorist takes on tyrannical taco town, ‘ttacking thumb twiddling tactile task forces … thankfully, tenacious s’Tallone, takes time to trade tertiary ‘telligence, while tearing ‘tagonist a new tooshie! Chris’ ham cans! What’s an Asian movie bus?! Brain-style ball bag! The fiendish Simon Phoenix! Sea shell stink palm! Two-ply profanity paper peel offs! General Dickfoot! Thawed thugs unleashing hell, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made! www.thebestmovieevermade.com

Blow it out your ass, goofball, because we’re getting into 1990’s Alienator! It’s Fred Olen Ray, so you get what you get, and don’t get upset! Let’s gooooo! Penal planet prisoner pounces on parole, perturbing preternatural Predator ‘personator, who pounces on party pack, petty police, and ‘pugnant poachers, punishing by preying, pounding, pummeling, and pacing the precinct, paying off as parody pastiche… probably! Penultimately punishing all parties! Kol’s crime collar! Rick, the Bud chugging asshole! Carol Jessica Parker? Triple Clipsy dibble dabble! Kol’s backyard brain sesh, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made! www.theworstmovieevermade.com

This week we get into 1989’s Gleaming the Cube . Christian Slater. Tony Hawk. Rodney Mullen pulling stunt duty. Pizza hut. Murder. Skating. Espionage? What the fuck is a cube gleam? There’s so much to talk about, so let’s get right on to it, shall we? Rambunctious rapscallions ripping the road with reckless rage, rampantly remediating ‘rruption and ripping like renegades while ramping for revenge! Pizza Hut chases in the Terminator tunnel! Major Asian vibes! Super hose water cuts! Christian Slater, Anger Skater! Kevin Bacon angrily dancing! Rummaging through daddy’s desk! Gleamin’ in the streets, cubin’ in the sheets! Car chase cop sandwich thing?! www.theworstmovieevermade.com

This week, we’ve got our engines revving for 1979’s Gas Pump Girls . It’s not what it sounds like. It’s actually about a bunch of girls who work at a gas station. Make sure you bust out your Titscope™ for this one, because there’s like 17 boobs in this movie that are prime oggle fodder. We’re gentlemen, though, so we’re really not into that. But if you are, email Rob or Chris for all the appropriate time stamps that they took for research purposes. With that out of the way, let’s grab it, stick it in, squeeze it, and let it peter out! Salacious sluts with super-duper selection of slippery sales strategies, succumb to sensual, sexy, slurping service station semantics! Showing tits and selling gas! Budget cuts between the boobies! Geriatric G-men on an angry honker hunt! Conjuring farts and sex! Hometown high school harlots hanging loose in halter tops! Graduate girl gown grounding! Ding dong dung heaps! Talking horny at the motorists! April’s snail trail! The girls get racist, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made! www.theworstmovieevermade.com

This week we get into 2003’s The Core , which is basically a too-little-too-late Armageddon but instead of blowing up a giant asteroid to save Earth, they must blow up … Earth, to save Earth? The kid from Road Trip loves Xena and Hot Pockets, and knows how to get you free long distance calls for life with a Nokia brick and a gum wrapper. What a total fucking shit show. Anyhow, here’s some alliterations and yelling! Jumping Jehoshaphat, jam that janky, jerry-rigged javelin, Josh! ‘Jectiles jumpstarting the gyro jelly! A bevy of deadly issues! Chris’ ceiling screaming about Geena Davis! Double Jenkins! Communist scarfs! There’s like seven million pigeons now! Double minority points! Double dipsy doo? No! Double clipsy doo! Swank steering the Brazzmobile! One-on-one romance over science sequences! The Coliseum goes completely kablooey! Depths of hell delvers! Right into the crickle crack! Instant crust to mantle transitions? Kat and Bob get got by lava rock and go plippity plop into the magma spot! French Sean Bean! Unobtanium Titanic turds! Hotpocket scuba tubes, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made! www.theworstmovieevermade.com

This week, we cover Mel Gibson’s On the Line, one of the movies that’s designed to piss you off. If you want to get got by the most insane plot you can think of, then all you have to do is watch this one. Oh boy … say what you want about Mel Gibson; that son of a bitch knows story structure. Here we go! Mean muggin’ Mel mumbles and meanders, while menacing man murmurs of murder, making midnight merriment more mysterious and momentous! Dishing out the double dipsy-doo! Boys with Rob Roys! Frasierian semantics! Speedbaggin’ the pickle! Distressed heavy breather! Mary and Melvis’ many misdirections! Mel Gibson’s long, ropey penis, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made! www.theworstmovieevermade.com

Read the title! Chris and Rob talk shit. It's fun. www.theworstmovieevermade.com

It’s good movie week, and after suffering through Little Fockers , we figured we’d revisit the OG, which we both remember fondly: 2000’s Meet the Parents . It’s the perfect comedy of errors that you, as a teenager, could watch with your girlfriend in the company of your boomer parents. It’s a solid, PG-13 rom-com that pushes right toward the edge and overall a solid movie. Does Meet the Parents hold up like we hope it does? Tune in to find out! Focker? Family! Philandering ex-fiancé figure! Flight, fight, lie detector fright? Finding father -in-law's furry feline after fire! Franchise framework fabricated for fun! Fuck, that’s funny! Piss walking to fingerpainting class! Munching on Pam’s bodega banana! Not Mr. Jinx as everyone thinks, but rather a spray painted Minx, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The BEST Movie Ever Made! www.theworstmovieevermade.com

This week, we get into Cosmic Sin ; a film starring Bruce Willis that makes us feel really, really bad. He was sick when they worked on this, and we’re sick for trying to critique it. Funny enough, Bruce Willis is the best part of this film, which is a really nice way of saying that Frank Grillo sucks ass! Seriously, Grill-o needs to chill, bro! Bruce in budget blockbuster, brandishing blasters, bafflingly bellowing, breaking barriers, becoming broken! Blasting Q-bombs right up in their quantum space gate! Missed the universe for the trees! Quantum humans colonizing the cosmos! Roughnecks bumping uglies in the boonies! You gotta shoot them in the eyes? Ford fucks up the foreign fiends with a bazooka thing! Uncle army leader lets nephew join the war! Honing in on hostiles with the homies, unhappily! Traveling through the double ice cream light streams! Reverse rerolling the quantum energy into the space gate and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made! www.theworstmovieevermade.com

This week, we’re unpacking the insanity that is Blank Check , a movie that’s somehow even weirder than its reputation suggests. Yes, we’ll get to the grown woman kissing an 11-year-old boy, because that’s every bit as baffling as you’ve heard. But that’s honestly the least surprising thing about a movie where fraud is rewarded, money solves everything, and everybody involved seems to be making the worst possible decision at all times. BLANK CHECK! Preston presses penis on a pedophile, pinching pennies and pushing on pussy! Apex predator in the kiddy pool! Shady Shay’s shady negotiations! Unlimited kid money montage! Sweat fruit semantics! Caught by Thin Diesel! Agent Shay’s adolescent attraction, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made! www.theworstmovieevermade.com

This week, we’re all about unpacking 2010’s Little Fockers! The first one was good. The second one was just as good. The third one? Does anybody even remember watching this one? Well, those who did watch it HATE IT, and for good reason. This movie cost $100 million to make, and it’s 97 minutes long. That’s over a million dollars a minute, and there wasn’t even a gazebo fire. Gaylord Greg gets got as God-Focker, egregiously gagging on grandpa’s guile, guilt-tripping, and Goodfella’s and Godfather complex, gradually getting good graces from good gumption! Spite fucking Jessica Alba? It takes two to Sustaingo! Kosmo Kramer Jenga! Punching out bottom blocks! Rep on erectile dysfunction! Good, smooth insertions! Get interested in that pit! His one and only Pamcake! Hotties always getting jobbies! Extracting blood from a stone-boner, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made! www.theworstmovieevermade.com

This week, we get into 2009’s Dragonball Evolution. I don’t watch any anime, and don’t even know what a Dragon Ball is. This movie is trash though. I know nothing about the lore, and was deeply upset. I could only imagine what it must have felt like to be that invested in a franchise, only for the dim-witted cum baby of Jessie Pinkman and the “Dude, You’re Getting a Dell” guy to be the reluctant hero on this loser’s journey. Basically, Dragonball is Draggin’ Balls! “Dude, you’re getting a Dell” guy dunks on demons and doesn’t die, unfortunately … den he uses da dragon balls! Big bag buffering in the barrens! Very not Dragonball-ish! Chi-Chi’s hot little box! Frenetic finger flaps! Piccolo force-choking a house! Dragonball energy seekers! Stone temple covered in karate people! Spraying your spirit gel! Evaporated meteor baby monkey lords! Chi-Chi’s karate-kid cooperation, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made! www.theworstmovieevermade.com

Ohhhh boy, Rob won the poll last week, which can only mean one thing: FUTURE FORCE, MOTHERFUCKER! This is a movie about David Carradine wearing a Nintendo Power Glove and being a fascist, while Bargain-Bin Snake Plissken runs amok in the background. I honestly don’t know who we’re supposed to root for here! Carradine crushes criminals, cries cacophonously, carelessly creeps with cripple communications, and cracks crime in his Cherokee Chief! Both digits are off! Future tech lightning fist! Dude definitely dead due to demolition of his Dodge diplomat! Department duty for detective David ! Bare-breasted bimbos! Electrofist technicians! Skull and skin semantics! Time-wasting tits, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made! www.theworstmovieevermade.com

This week, we will hopefully not spend three hours of our lives talking about the three hour movie we just watched: 1993’s The Postman . Starting to realize that Kevin Costner has his own Steven Seagal style-hero’s arc with big-budget blockbusters nobody asked for where he’s such a hero’s hero, that if a hero got in trouble, and needed a hero, the hero would be Kevin Costner. Say it louder for the people in the back! “YOUR DAD IS A MAILMAN, AND SO ARE YOU!!!” Hesitant haberdasher becomes heroic, harangues in Hamlet, handles hefty hauls of hearsay, hating on Holnists, holding hope, hearing Hallelujah however he hears it! Meanie Pants militias! Shakespeare shakeoffs! All they eat in the future is soup! Body father lady throbbers! Abby the spermchaser! Good job, Mr. Sex… Man! Taking a peak in the freezy creek! Post people popped on patrol so he patriots the whole process personally! You spelled tyranny wrong, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made! www.theworstmovieevermade.com

This week, we get into 2009’s Splice , a film about fucking your genetically-modified flipper baby. Adrien Brody is at his most emo, and his bitch wife ruins science because she has mommy issues. What a mess! A sexxxxxy mess! Let’s go! Sneaky scientist’s unsanctioned ‘speriment spawns sentient, slippery, and seductive succubus! Genetic lumps of gene-producing goo! Course-change characters! First-person birth canals! Fleshy wieners and slimy ding-dongs! The only two goo-producing wieners in town! Inseminated uterus bots! Jack doritos! Rogue elements in the junk jeans! Clive’s gooey two-shoes! Shiny scorpion stabbers! Going back to the Dren den! Concentrated secretions! Paying pregnant people to pop out penis persons! Giving the flying fish woman his slippery digit, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made! www.theworstmovieevermade.com

This week, we return with The Mummy Returns! Chris hates it. Rob kind of loves its PS2 looking ass graphics. We’ve only done “bad” Brendan Fraser films at this point. Maybe we’ll end the season on a positive note with Airheads or something. Who knows? It don’t matter. None of this matters. Ancient Anubis artifact antagonizes archeologists, always awaiting, awfully archaic, also arachnids! Scorpions are spiders! CG-Aye-Aye-Aye! Non-flesh Imhotep! Jock rockin’ Rob! Bring back the skin beetles! Super fucking bullshit hieroglyphic spoken trash babble! Double-decker London bus theft! Lots of sucking, so much sucking! Alex running from inaccurate rifle fire! Anck-su-namun’s today body! All pyramids are the Pentagon! Waterface eats the balloon! Steggles & Gooch, Attorneys at Law, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made! www.theworstmovieevermade.com

This week, we kick off SEASON 27 with our favorite sentient gasbag, Steven Seagal. Attack Force came out at the height of his direct-to-video downfall, and boy does this one stink! Who would have thought that the guy who brought us On Deadly Ground could fall so far from grace. Wshhhshhshhhshh!!! Seagal, supple and sauntering, unsubtly switches speak, swinging sharp slicers, sucking up scenery, unsexily secreting salty sweat! Leathered Matrix men! Military hardware highjacking! Steven Sheen! Damn, he’s so good! Green marines splitting the scene! Foggy gumbo bags! Tandem hole jams! The ole stripper puke exclusion! Marshall Martin meets his makeout mistress at the midtown mocha market! Reina, the vampire stripper? Pimp and his blood-sucking CTX hoes, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made! www.theworstmovieevermade.com

"WARRIORSSSS! COME OUT TO PLAYEEYYYEHHHH!" Good movie week, we really need it after this dungpile of a season! Wailing whippersnappers, The Warriors, wreck, rampage, and wander, worse for wear, waiting for war! Crime messiah killed by pariah! Vibe check 5000! DJ’s “Feed me, Seymour” mouth!” Baseball furies! Spending money to wet the set! Mercy’s nipples! 30 Orphans line up for war! Radio mouth reminders! A gaggle of gangster lesbians! Ever-increasing hick lines! Bringing the winning knife to a gunfight, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made! www.theworstmovieevermade.com

War of the worlds! Not the H.G. Wells novel! Not the Spielberg one! Nope. ICE CUBE, MOTHERFUCKER! This was a gnarly experience. We complained about it so much that our episode is longer than the actual movie. Chew on that, Jeff Bezos, you bald-headed fuck! “Ohhhhh my godddddd.” -Ice Cube, Probably. Alien annihilation, amazon advertisements, awesome! Techno tendrils whipping out all sexy like? Faith calls the Cube Father! Helicopter hit, “how you?” Mark’s Prime Video van? Daddy Cube is coming! Your mouth was made to suck my … data! Cumsocks on Ebay! Amazon ass play! Sexy tech babe tentacles, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made! www.theworstmovieevermade.com