Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast

Final Fantasy XIII Part Seven: HECKACHUNKER! Square Roots - Episode 534 Hot Gaming Gossip: 0:05:45 Quest Log: 0:22:11 Level Up: 1:40:14 This week on Square Roots we barrel through a giant, double stuffed chunker full of all the side quests in the game. Because Chapter 11 has all of them. Also! There's a tower at the end, but is it the first real dungeon of the game? A One Hit Pizza Candy Hog Is Bart the Worst Final Fantasy Villain? Matt Compulsively Plays A Game He Doesn't Like This Week: Finish Final Fantasy XIII Chapter 11! Next Week: Finish Final Fantasy XIII! FOREVER! Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome theme! You can find him at: https://bsky.app/profile/stevenmorrismusic.bsky.social and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Final Fantasy XIII Part Six: Chapter 11 Mailbag Episode! Square Roots - Episode 533 Hot Gaming Gossip: 0:02:45 Mail Bag: 0:27:00 Smoosh Mouth: 1:20:25 Level Up: 1:31:45 This week on Square Roots we don't actually do a quest log because there's not that much to talk about with Chapter 11 of Final Fantasy XIII, it's just super long, so we're giving Johnny specifically time to work his way through all those Ci'eth stones! We answer such questions as: What polygon to put Lara Croft's nipples on in a PS1 nude mod? Why you should not wash your teeth with a bottle of jack? Is Bowser a Dom? Why isn't Midbus dateable? ALSO SMOOSH MOUTH! This Week: MAILBAAAG Next Week: Finish Final Fantasy XIII Chapter 11! Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome theme! You can find him at: https://bsky.app/profile/stevenmorrismusic.bsky.social and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Final Fantasy XIII Part Five: Jihl Nabaat Is A Nerd Square Roots - Episode 532 Hot Gaming Gossip: 0:03:10 Quest Log: 0:21:20 Level Up: 1:24:25 This time on Final Fantasy XIII, blood comes out of Matt's eyes as he tries to be nice about the game. But we all love Barthandalous! "Eat my shorts," he says. Also: • Derek Waters is Bilbo Baggins Coded • Game Pass Ads • Pop It Back In, It's Fine • Matt Says PBR tastes like Skunk Juice • The First Time In The Game You Can Speak To An NPC • I Paused My Game to Be here This Week: Finish Final Fantasy XIII Chapter 10! Next Week: Finish Final Fantasy XIII Chapter 11! Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome theme! You can find him at: https://bsky.app/profile/stevenmorrismusic.bsky.social and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Final Fantasy XIII Part Four: Are They Space Friends Or Are They Lesbians? Square Roots - Episode 531 Hot Gaming Gossip: 0:05:10 Quest Log: 0:26:21 Level Up: 1:55:42 This time on Final Fantasy XIII: secrets are revealed! Anger is confronted! Australians are outed! Also: • He is the Best at What He Does, and What He Does is QuickTime Events • People Can Be Bisexual, Matt • Nobody Thinks Of Him As From Tarzan • No Witnesses Means Full Stealth • It's A Long Air Pod • Fireworks That Drop CDs This Week: Finish Final Fantasy XIII Chapter 8! Next Week: Finish Final Fantasy XIII Chapter 10! Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome theme! You can find him at: https://bsky.app/profile/stevenmorrismusic.bsky.social and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Final Fantasy XIII Part Three: A Bottomless Reservoir of Chrys Points Square Roots - Episode 530 Hot Gaming Gossip: 0:05:05 Quest Log: 0:22:20 Level Up: 1:19:00 Okay, we start off with a bit of a blunder, but we can all recover from it! Even Vanessa! Yes, THIS is the episode where Lightning has the Worst Birthday Ever, because she makes her sister becoming a l'Cie ALL ABOUT HERSELF. Also she gives Hope a knife to kill her future brother in law. Also: • I Was Happy To See A Character Or Event • OD Was The Dog From Garfield • Vanessa Boyfriend, Janosz from Ghostbusters II • Most of the Animals are Cyber • A Lot of Shots of Lightning Saying "Tsk!" and Looking Away This Week: Finish Final Fantasy XIII Chapter 6! Next Week: Finish Final Fantasy XIII Chapter 8! Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome theme! You can find him at: https://bsky.app/profile/stevenmorrismusic.bsky.social and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com Season 82 Ep 3

Final Fantasy XIII Part Two: A Motorcycle Made Of Lesbians Square Roots - Episode 529 Hot Gaming Gossip: 0:04:30 Quest Log: 0:26:10 Level Up: 2:08:10 Wait, you can use libra twice? WHAT? WHY? HOW?! WHY DIDN'T THEY TELL ME, unless it was in a datalog or a tutorial window I skipped or the manual. Anyway this time on Square Enix's epic Final Fantasy XIII, we mostly walk a lot. Also: • Lesbian Cops • Big Cloud Energy • A Beta Behemoth AND an Alpha Behemoth • Pulled Pork Is Not Ham This Week: Finish Final Fantasy XIII Chapter 4! Next Week: Finish Final Fantasy XIII Chapter 6! Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome theme! You can find him at: https://bsky.app/profile/stevenmorrismusic.bsky.social and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com Season 82 Ep 3

Final Fantasy XIII Part One: The Sacrificial MILF, Nora Square Roots - Episode 528 Hot Gaming Gossip: 0:02:35 Quest Log: 0:29:35 Level Up: 2:20:00 Finally, it's time to face our destiny as L'Cie. Or a PULSE L'Cie. Or a Fal'cie. Or a Cie'th. In Final Fantasy XIII by Square Enix! Also: • This game has voice acting. • Big Cloud Energy • That's Where She Keeps Her Potions • Beta Cuck Behemoth • Hawthorne Heights Hair • This Guy Listens to 311 • Wakka With A Gun This Week: Finish Final Fantasy XIII Chapter 2! Next Week: Finish Final Fantasy XIII Chapter 4! Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome theme! You can find him at: https://bsky.app/profile/stevenmorrismusic.bsky.social and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Dispatch Part 4: So It's Just the End of Wild Wild West? - Episode 527 We finished Dispatch! Wow. What a game. What else is there to say? Lots, apparently. This Week: Finish Episode 8 of Dispatch! Next Week: Finish Chapter 2 of FFXIII! Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome theme! You can find him at: https://bsky.app/profile/stevenmorrismusic.bsky.social and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Dispatch Part 3: Kingdom Hearts 4: A Puzzle of the Flesh Square Roots - Episode 526 Hot Gaming Gossip: 0:05:40 Quest Log: 0:30:15 Level Up: 1:56:41 We are terrified with our encounters with the ultimate villain of Dispatch: SLADE! Also: • Ten Minutes on Yeast Infections • Another Ten Minutes on Pizza Bagels and Rolls • Kevin Costner Is Just Boring Patrick Swayze • Matt Forgot His Belt • Vanessa Wants A Salt Lick This Week: Finish Episode 6 of Dispatch! Next Week: Finish Dispatch! Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome theme! You can find him at: https://bsky.app/profile/stevenmorrismusic.bsky.social and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Dispatch Part 2: His Name Is Mister Whisky And No One Knows If He's A Guy In A Suit Square Roots - Episode 525 Hot Gaming Gossip: 0:02:25 Quest Log: 0:24:00 Level Up: 2:01:15 OBSESSION (2026) SPOILERS AT 02:17:00 THROUGH 02:26:00 We become an old person podcast! We don't approve of this Yung Gravy, even if his delivery as Golem is quite good. That's right, we're adding so many more Dispatch episodes. Eight? Twelve? Thirty two?! Also: • Warriors Cats! • Page Doctor Matt For Cruising Analysis • Name One Bad Thing Chevy Chase Has Ever Said • We Finally Remember to Do a Johnny's Bullshit Mini Game Corner This Week: Finish Episode 4 of Dispatch! Next Week: Finish Episode 6 of Dispatch! Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome theme! You can find him at: https://bsky.app/profile/stevenmorrismusic.bsky.social and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Dispatch Part 1: First Of All, Yes. Of Course. Square Roots - Episode 524 We play Dispatch! It's fun. We only covered eps 1 and 2 of the game this week. Sorry for lying! This Week: Episodes 1 and 2 of Dispatch Next Week: Episodes 3, 4, and 5 of Dispatch Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome theme! You can find him at: https://bsky.app/profile/stevenmorrismusic.bsky.social and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Legend of Dragoon Part 9: Lip Or Mustache Square Roots - Episode 523 Hot Gaming Gossip: 0:07:51 Quest Log: 0:36:45 Level Up: 2:29:35 A Fleshy Body of a God gets squirted onto Planet Endiness, everyone gets to deal with unresolved moments from the past, and Dart finally gets to talk to his Dad in this extra special extra long finale for the Legend of Dragoon series! We did it! We finished the game! Also: • A Joke For Our European Listeners • Is Jim's Mind Blown • P-E-O-N-I-X • DAN ACKROYD CAN'T HAVE AN ERECTION • A Romantic Threesome This Week: Finish Legend of Dragoon! Next Week: Finish Episode 4 of... Dispatch?! Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome theme! You can find him at: https://bsky.app/profile/stevenmorrismusic.bsky.social and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Legend of Dragoon Part 8: The Winglies' Plan A Is Kill A Baby Every 108 Years Square Roots - Episode 522 Hot Gaming Gossip: 0:06:20 Quest Log: 0:25:15 Level Up: 1:34:00 We get to the best part of the game: uncovering and exploiting the Winglies' legal process! That's right, you learn how to propose amendments to bills, where to create a law, and then propagation of the law! One slow step at a time. And you said Legend of Dragoon wasn't awesome! Also: • Taco Heroes • The Moon That Never Sets Is A Shadow Heart? • Courage Is Refusing To Talk About Your Situation • They Always Say Their Own Names In Their Sentences So I Hate Them • Then Some Dumb Shit Happens This Week: Finish the Law City! Next Week: Finish Legend of Dragoon! Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome theme! You can find him at: https://bsky.app/profile/stevenmorrismusic.bsky.social and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Legend of Dragoon Part 7: Daddy's Home Square Roots - Episode 521 Hot Gaming Gossip: There isn't any Quest Log: 0:10:24 Level Up: 1:37:36 We learn a lot of secrets on this weeks episode! What's Lloyds whole deal? Who is Emperor Diaz anyway? And what's up with Rose? Listen and find out! Also: • Mega Mega: Explaining Captain N to Jim • Make Endiness Great Again oh wait Johnny says no • We didn't expect that guy to get annihilated • Who cares about Miranda's mom? This Week: Finish Disc 3! Next Week: Finish the Law City Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome theme! You can find him at: https://bsky.app/profile/stevenmorrismusic.bsky.social and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Legend of Dragoon Part 6: If You'd Like to Learn More About Soa and the Great Tree, Visit Your Local Library Square Roots - Episode 520 Hot Gaming Gossip: 0:05:20 Quest Log: 0:25:15 Level Up: 1:55:30 On this exposition-heavy episode of Square Roots, we dive into the library of Deningrad and meet a real cool dragon! Also: • The Definition of Dead Is You Flop on the Floor • These People Definitely Have Mould • Every Guy With A Lion Hat Is The Same Guy • My Very Excellent Mother Served Us Nachos • Drenched in Lore • Martial Arts Dad This Week: Retrieve the Dragon Block Staff! Next Week: Finish Disc 3! Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome theme! You can find him at: https://bsky.app/profile/stevenmorrismusic.bsky.social and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Legend of Dragoon Part 5: Rose's Vaginal Vortex Square Roots - Episode 519 Hot Gaming Gossip: 0:07:45 Quest Log: 0:28:50 Level Up: 1:45:00 On this heavy flowing chunker of Sony's Legend of Dragoon, we learn so much about Rose from her Level 3 attack. Every element of it was a surprise. The menstrual blood. The legs spread. How she's like a Vaginal Kirby. Put down a towel, it's a lot. Also: • Too Many Nopon? • It's A Fantasy World, Bed Bath & Beyond Could Still Exist • The Love Child of Grimace and Slimer • Somehow Emperor Diaz Has Returned • Another Deep Gash! • A Hot Prize This Week: Confronting Lenus Again and then Finishing Disc 2! Next Week: Retrieve the Dragon Staff! Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome theme! You can find him at: https://bsky.app/profile/stevenmorrismusic.bsky.social and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Legend of Dragoon Part 4: Bring A Knife Square Roots - Episode 518 Hot Gaming Gossip: 0:06:40 Quest Log: 0:27:30 Level Up: 2:12:00 On this episode, I wrote a special birthday song for Jim! Should I have sang something in my range? Probably! Meanwhile, Kaffi is the breakout star of Sony's classic JRPG Legend of Dragoon because she loves stars and hot goss. Also: • Fantasy Villain Lloyd • Executive AI Software Brain • If The Alien Sees You, Just Lay Down And Die • Morning Glory: Milking Farm: A Monster Bait Romance • Emille Is A Vanessa Role-Model • Dart's Tryptophobia Bandana This Week: Play through the Moon Dagger Ceremony Next Week: Confronting Lenus Again Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome theme! You can find him at: https://bsky.app/profile/stevenmorrismusic.bsky.social and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Legend of Dragoon Part 3: The Gayest Death Scene of All Time! Square Roots - Episode 517 Hot Gaming Gossip: 0:05:37 Quest Log: 0:25:00 Level Up: 1:42:04 It's okay for me to write that, as a gay man. There's so much pathos and hand holding and it's all very dramatic. And this is just a chunker of Sony's Legend of Dragoon, a cult classic PlayStation 1 JRPG! Also: • We Brainstorm Kingdom Hearts 4 • SO MUCH NINTENDO NEWS • Well, He Was Whooped Up • The Griping Room! • Johnny's Nuanced Thoughts On Sportsmates • Chucky's Out Back Hitting His Vape This Week: Get to the End of Disc 1! Next Week: Play through the Moon Dagger Ceremony Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome theme! You can find him at: https://bsky.app/profile/stevenmorrismusic.bsky.social and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Legend of Dragoon Part 2: Shana, You Should Stay Here Square Roots - Episode 516 Hot Gaming Gossip: 0:04:45 Quest Log: 0:42:00 Level Up: 1:54:15 There's an Extra Packed Hot Gaming Gossip this week because every game company has announced everything! Every game you've ever wanted! But in Legend of Dragoon we get another party member, Rose! And we meet a ghost! Also: • Vanessa Explains Her Floor Banana • Fires Make Dart Horny • "Ugh! I've Got A Deep Gash!" • Sweet Super Sentai Transformations • Is Rose Evil? This Week: Have an ~Encounter~ with the Silver Ghost, Shirley! Next Week: Get to the End of Disc 1! Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome theme! You can find him at: https://bsky.app/profile/stevenmorrismusic.bsky.social and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Legend of Dragoon Part 1: LAVITZ SLAMBERT! Square Roots - Episode 515 Hot Gaming Gossip: 0:02:45 Quest Log: 0:28:50 Level Up: 2:05:00 MATT'S BANISHMENT ENDS! Jim stands the entire time! And we start Sony's Definitely Not Inspired By Final Fantasy VII Legend of Dragoon! It's nice to be back in the comfy cozy PlayStation generation with a real old JRPG we never actually played back in the day. That's right: we're all BABY FRESH EYES! Also: • Legend the of Dragon • We Say Dragooning A Lot • Heal Yourself On The Cuck Chair • Dragoons Are Guys Who Jump Up Real High • Johnny Has No Pants This Week: Get to the town of Bale. Next Week: Have an ~Encounter~ with the Silver Ghost! Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome theme! You can find him at: https://bsky.app/profile/stevenmorrismusic.bsky.social and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com Season 81 Ep 1